Um...no thank you.
Photo: brainware3000

Pick up lines. Not surprisingly, a quick scan on Google brings up a plethora of sites counting down the best (and worst) ever uttered.

You’ll find Lines That Are Good, which has over 1300 lines broken down to how many attempts were “made,” and how often they were successful.

A classic example: “Use index finger to call someone over then say, ‘I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand’”…uh, yeah.

There’s also Pickup artists unite, which is apparently where pickup lines go to die (a long, slow, horrible death). Thank God this one was buried: “Hey do you have any Irish in you?” [blank stare] “You want some?”

Still, the general reaction to this line is worth keeping: “F*%& off, leprechaun.”

Forbes even has a slideshow pictorial of the ten worst pickup lines. Really? Isn’t Forbes supposed to be about money? And yep, these are kinda old-school.

So what makes this particular list different is than all the rest? Well, it’s written by me.

Nah…well there is that, but the best thing about the lines you are about to read is that many of them have a story to go along with them, therefore making them both more personal, AND more realistic. Plus, you do get my commentary after each line, and that in itself is priceless.

And more of a reason for men (and ahem…some women) to rethink their next their next time-wasting approach. If you’re gonna do it, might as well do it right, right?

Here are your handy-dandy lines with commentary in italics, broken down into four categories, with a bonus for you at the end.

Cultural

“When I was 18 and in Egypt with my mom, a guy in the market offered my mom 100 camels for me. She decided to keep me.” Good mommy.

“This wasn’t really a pick-up line, just a really bad compliment from an old man. He looked at me and said, “If you were a horse I’d pay $99 for you.” I don’t know if it was worse that he compared me to a horse or that he’d only pay 99 bucks.” I’d say the $99 part, horses are kinda hot.

Just plain cheesy

Me: “Be careful (after he ran a red light), you’re going to get in a wreck.” Him: “Oh baby, you already made me erect.” Ugh.

“You better not stand so close to that ice, cause you’re so hot it’s going to melt all over the place.” Really? Really now?

“Did you know your father’s a thief? He stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes…” This one belongs in the Forbes pictorial.

“Hey Black & Decker-Your eyes drill right through me!” And this one, too.

Me-”I’m a dancer, mostly do hip-hop.” Him-”I could tell as soon as you took off that coat you had a hip-hop body.” What does this even mean??!!

“I was at IHOP in the very early morning hours and we had an African American waiter who proceeded to pull up a chair next to me and said, ‘Girl, I wanna put some chocolate in your milk…’” Hmmm, I’m thinking this one has been around since the dawn of time, along with prostitution.

“I had a guy at Mel’s Dinner at 2am come up and ask if his friend could Myspace me. Not a hello or anything, but if he could myspace me. And yes, he honestly sent over his friend.” Thank God for social networking sites–pick-up lines will never be the same.

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?” Never ever, ever, EVER walk by me again. How does that sound?

Just about on the edge…

Hot.
Photo: Multiple fragments of tissue

Guy in a loud bar: “Do you want to dance?” Girl: “No.” Guy: “No, I said you look fat in those pants.” Yep, turn it on the woman when you get utterly rejected…

“Can I come back to your place? I got stabbed recently and I thought sex might take my mind off of it.” He followed that with, “Besides, stab wounds are kinda sexy, right? Do you wanna see them?” Hell, yeah! And then I’m DEFINITELY going to jump your bones!

This guy once walked up to me at the pet store I was working at and said, “You know, you would look really good if you just toned up a little bit. I am a physical trainer, why don’t we go out to dinner and talk about works out for you.” Why don’t you go out to dinner alone and contemplate your idiotic attempt at picking women up a bit?

“It wasn’t a pick up line, but I did have a guy on the first date tell me he was in a “fight club.” I couldn’t decide if I should laugh or be appalled. So I settled for stunned silence.” Don’t be too silent, he might end up taking a swing at you.

Him: “I’d really like to be your friend. Could I have your number so I could call you some time?” Me: “I’m sorry. I’m married.” Him: “That’s okay, we can still be friends. You don’t have to tell him….” Yeah, I bet I don’t…

From my senior year of college, delivered by a guy (probably mid-20s) working at a sandwich place that used to be in Berkeley, CA: “You look familiar. Haven’t I seen you hanging around outside of Berkeley High?” This was followed about 10 min later with: “So. My uncle’s got a boat at the Berkeley Marina. Maybe you and me could, you know, spend the weekend on it…” I changed my “eat-in” order to “take-out” after that one. The guy behind the grill was laughing his head off. Sniffing around for jail bait. Shocking.

“Hey baby, you want to go out for pizza and fuck? What, you don’t like pizza?” Oh, I LOVE pizza…smothered all over your face, jackass…

So disgusting the man should be taken out back and shot so as to no longer put any women through the horror

You really think it's gonna happen?/
Photo: grenade

“I have a face if you need a place to sit.” Really, what is the point? Just to be a complete asshole?

“A friend of mine said that when she was at USC, a guy she was talking to who learned she was Jewish said, ‘You know, Jewish girls give the best head!’” Yeah…and guys like you give the worst head. And can’t seem to keep it up.

“I did a speed dating event. Everyone had a name tag with both a name and number on it. I sat down with a guy whose tag number was 69. I began the conversation by asking him what he liked to do in his free time. He said, ‘Well, as you can see, my number is 69…that pretty much sums it up.’ He was not cute, and didn’t say it in a ‘goofing’ sort of way, and wasn’t really even smiling. Longest three minutes of my life.” Really, there is nothing that needs to be added here.

“At a wedding where the bride and groom decided to set me up with their opera singer/soap opera actor friend (seriously!), we were down at the water looking at the moonlight I asked ‘What are you thinking?’ He said ‘that I’d like to be horizontal.’ That was the end of that! Did he actually think that would make her lay down right then and there?

“What f-cks like a tiger and winks?” Whoops, this one actually came from a woman!

Sweet, sweet justice…

“This isn’t about lines, but it’s an excellent moment. My friend was bartending, and there were two guys on opposite sides of the bar hitting on her. The first guy kept asking for her number, and the second guy was trying to give her his number. So, she took the second guy’s number and gave it to the first guy.” That almost makes up for all the bad lines EVER…almost.

Him: “I never noticed what beautiful blue eyes you had.” Me: “They’re green.” Him: “I’m surprised someone so beautiful as you is still single.” Me: “I’m surprised someone as married as you is still hitting on girls like me.” Nice.

Oh, little Fred Savage, I bet you never thought this would come back to haunt you…

“I’m 15 at a sweet 16 party…Fred Savage (who was in my friend’s class) comes up to me, no hello, just says, ‘That’s a great sweater but it would look much better on my floor.’ First of all, I had to look down to see who was talking to me (major height difference) and I had to have him repeat himself to make sure I heard him right. When I realized I did, I flashed him the dramatic teenage ‘you’re a loser’ eye roll. Not saying I am proud of that-but then again what would an appropriate response be? You gave him the MOST appropriate response possible.

We’d love to hear more awful, cheesy pick-up lines, so go to it in the comments section.

Thanks to all those who contributed to this piece.