@Leigh, I think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe many more friendships than even romantic relationships experience this addiction cycle, because it’s so insidious, in a way. I can think about a couple of different friendships I’ve had in my life where I was so pulled around and around, up and down. And that triggers both my insecurities and my ego, and the push-pull method that kinda sucks when it comes down to it. I’m trying my best now to connect with people in my life where we can have a lot of fun, but we are coming from the same place that drama just creates pain.

The type of relationship you describe is extreme. I think those toxic relationships are harder to spot when their is some ambiguity in it, so you can say “Well, I know she purposely let me find out that she was engaged from someone else just to be passive aggressive.” And she can say, “That wasn’t my intention at all.” And you end up sounding paranoid. Or a person who always remembers my birthday but doesn’t get that you don’t tell a new mom you’ll babysit and then forget about it because you found something more exciting to do.

It is most definitely an addiction, because you have the highs and the lows. It’s ultimately unhealthy, but there’s always a way you can say, “No, I have it under control. There’s no problem here.”

Walking away from addictive relationships is painfully difficult as well, because there is that kernel of goodness and decency. And quite possibly love.

So when the relationship I mention above was ending, when I stopped playing into the games, she was livid. She called me named, accused me of all kinds of things that could have been my fault but probably weren’t. She did her best to reengage me. I don’t think it was done purposely. It’s also the nature of addiction.

And when it was over, it hurt badly. It took a long time before I was able to talk about her rationally, and I suppose I will always feel connected to her in some way. To this day I think that maybe one day we’ll reconnect. And you never know.

Once addicted, always addicted. But thankfully (maybe) with people there is the hope of change, whereas heroin will always be itself.