Comments on: Shot Down: The Politics and Posturing of Saying ‘I’m Not Interested’

By: Amanda, Bay Area Photographer

Amanda, Bay Area Photographer — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:46:21 +0000

Just part of life ………… be glad they are struck by you enough to make conversation and just be polite. If you are really too busy to make any conversation at all, you’d work from home ( or hotel / van / whatever when traveling ) on super tight deadlines right ?
I understand though ….. the worst for me is if I’ve been traveling and finally make it somewhere public with wi-fi to check email …… you just want to get to work and don’t even want anyone to talk to you !

By: Candice

Candice — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:31:50 +0000

Hah, always a dilemma! It’s so hard to tactfully turn down someone without embarrassing them. I think that’s the hardest part for me, since I know how it feels. But after living with a variety boys for over three years, turns out most of them are nowhere near as sensitive as we are, and they’ll get over it within minutes.

By: Deepa

Deepa — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:35:27 +0000

For cultural and historical reasons, men are saddled with the uncomfortable task of doing the chasing. While this comes naturally to some guys, for others this is nerve-wracking. They know that if they do nothing, they get nothing, that they must fumble with this chase as best as they can.

I personally know many nice guys who don’t do any chasing, because they are uncomfortable with it, and they have the further angst of watching other, less nice guys, ‘get the girl’, so to speak.

This is the reason why we must cut men some slack. They are caught between a rock and a hard place. Damned if they push, damned if they don’t. And let’s face it, it’s really tough being rejected.

Personally speaking, I am nicer to the ‘loser’ guys than I am to the confident cocky ones. I figure the cocky guy will find some other woman who will fall for his lines.

By: Patty

Patty — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 03:46:47 +0000

I totally relate to your dilemma, Christine, and I really honor your struggle. With respect to the unwanted advances, I honor your commitment to kindness AND your commitment to yourself – both are so important and no one more so than the other. For me, I try to accept the struggle as having an inherent tension, remind myself that there’s no “right way” to be or do, and follow through with whatever feels right in the moment. With respect to the not giving men a shot – it ain’t right until it’s right. Trust yourself. Trust your process. You know what you need and want. And you shouldn’t settle for less. Ever.

By: Shelley

Shelley — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:27:54 +0000

I’m glad you went ahead and explored this topic in an article, that started out as a FB “comment discussion.” In your original status update and comments about it, of course, none of the details about the particular situation, and man who was trying to talk to you, were disclosed. It was all very vague and theoretical. I have to say here, though, that after reading the details of this man’s pushiness in talking to you – I feel even MORE strongly about my response to the situation! In fact, I would say that you had absolutely no reason to feel any guilt or like you were being rude – HE was being extremely rude! Continuing to bother you when you were obviously working and trying, politely, to show him that; then, not even doing the polite thing himself by ASKING you on a date or for future contact, but basically assuming, short of demanding, that you go hiking with him. WTF???

I do understand, and agree with, your overall feeling about people in general being worthy of our time, attention, and kindness. However, I think that has nothing to do with a situation like this. That a man (or woman) could be that overbearing and presumptive upon simply meeting you, signals control and other problems that would almost certainly arise in any continued interaction.

You did the right thing. Just because someone harasses you or demands, uninvited, your time does not mean that you are obligated to give it to them. With kindness, and karma, we need to remember that it applies to OURSELVES as well.

By: Ekaterina

Ekaterina — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:37:16 +0000

Hello Christine,

I have the same problem as you. It’s quite hard to brush off a person when this person especially seems to be nice. I found a good way to deal with it, by mentioning ‘boyfriend’ at some point. Like, in the first two minute of a conversation, I say that I am waiting for my boyfriend. Since I do have a boyfriend at this moment it is not a lie anymore, but I suppose it was avoidance mechanism earlier.
You raise a very interesting and important topic here. We all have the right to say ‘no’, but somehow, especially for women, it appears to be a very difficult thing to do.
On the other hand, trust me, a good-looking girl writing in a cafe, – is like a chocolate cake for men. They seem unable to pass off the opportunity.
Good luck with writing in cafes:) I know, it is nice, but not easy, lol.

By: Christine

Christine — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 00:38:24 +0000

Carlo, I knew you were just giving me a hard time (in a sweet and loving way , but this is actually something that I’ve struggled with? contemplated? for quite a while…

By: Carlo

Carlo — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 00:17:38 +0000

Christine, for the record, my comment (“Could it be because you know it’s ripping their hearts into little pieces after they’ve worked up the nerve to talk to you for the past 3 hours?”) was said a bit tongue-in-cheek. While that may be true, I don’t think you should have any guilt because of it. That is not your problem, that is their problem. As long as you’re respectful about it, which I am certain you are, don’t feel bad.