Shot Down: The Politics and Posturing of Saying ‘I’m Not Interested’

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Aug 29, 2009 | 8 Comments

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind…but what is the larger picture around rejecting another?

Photo: D Sharon Pruitt

Last week, this was my status on Facebook:

Why do I feel so guilty when I don’t talk to the men I don’t want to talk to?

I was simply airing my angst at having gone back and forth with a slightly, no, fairly pushy man I had met a couple of weeks before. When he first talked to me in a cafe (where I spend the majority of my life), I was writing a piece that had to be finished in the next couple of hours. I pleasantly answered his questions, while constantly averting my eyes back down to my computer and starting to type once again.

He then asked if I mountain biked, and I said no. “Hike?” Yes. “Well, let’s do the number exchange thing and we can go hiking.” Ummm, was that a question? Have I given any indication that I’m interested in hanging out?

But then I felt like I couldn’t say no because…why? I didn’t want to be rude? I wanted to give him a chance to be a friend? I felt backed into a corner?

I state this situation as an example of something, though not always with the same particulars, that I experience often enough.

Then I’m left feeling guilty for being ‘rude’ the rest of the day.

Guy starts to chat, I give short responses. This seems to prompt him to continue at higher and faster rates. After letting him go on for what seems like an eternity, I may eventually cut him off with, “I’m kind of in the middle of something.” Then he looks at me, crestfallen, and says, “Ok.” Then I’m left feeling guilty for being ‘rude’ the rest of the day, and who knows? Maybe even into the night.

Damnit.

Photo: Made Underground

Little did I expect that the culmination of these experiences running around in my head, needing to air themselves out via a Facebook status update (what has become of me?), would inspire such heated feedback.

My good friend, Kara:

as my good friend girgs says, the good thing about overpopulation is that they can find someone else to talk to

To which I respond:

somehow i have to get over the feeling that i’m karmically f’ing myself when i don’t. can you ask girgs about that one?

So Kara did a little more digging, questioning others regarding their thoughts, and came back with this:

From my friend…no hope for those governed by karma! Actually, I know nothing about this. If this is about guilt born of indifference or repugnance to strange men who swarm, you owe them nothing. Nothing! At worst, you’re judging books by covers!

Wait – don’t consultants get paid?

And we were off. Men and women alike weighed in, but interestingly enough (and, shockingly, I know), the men tended to fall on the side of “you are thinking about his feelings and how hard it must be to approach you” while the women generally felt “you don’t owe him squat. Actually, it’s better to cut him loose at the beginning than lead him on.”

Or, as my old neighbor Paige put it, “Sometimes it’s cruel to be kind and kind to be cruel… don’t waste time, yours or theirs.”

Oh, the Guilt.

So, I decided to sit with, ‘why do I feel guilty?’ Is it because our society demands women be nice, as one friend mentioned? Maybe partly, but I think my need to be nice at this point in my life has less to do with patriarchal influence and more to do with a spiritual commitment to believing everyone deserves kindness, and distancing myself from the thought that I’m better than anyone else. I think many of us judge people instantaneously based on whether or not we feel they are worthy of our time, either from a hierarchical point-of-view, or from romantic attraction mode.

Photo: TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

There is also a personal twist that comes into play for me. I spent many years basically shunning a lot of guys because of my own complicated relationship with protecting myself. Many dynamics were at play–issues with self-esteem, of outer and inner beauty; an annoyance at the personality type prone to this particular form of the mating ritual; a sneaking suspicion of a long ago improper sexual touch that demanded I be careful.

Simply put, I ran away from a lot for a long time.

I’ve also become good friends over the years with some guys that pursued me, for friendship or romance, that I wanted to cut at the beginning. And these are really good guys. I’ve learned that for me, contrary to what it says in Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking,it often takes getting to know a person to see how amazing and wonderful they are, and what I can learn from them.

So for me, the guilt that arises when I “don’t talk to a guy I don’t want to talk to,” goes deeper than a simple brush off. To me, it’s about not giving another person a chance, and I may be the one to loose out in the end because of it.

Then again, as Shelley Seale, author of The Weight of Silence: Invisible Children of India,noted in the discussion, “Life is SHORT! Why waste pieces of it in conversation with people you have no relationship with and absolutely no desire to talk to?”

*Sigh,* she’s right…

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About the Author

Christine Garvin holds a Masters degree in Holistic Health Education and is a certified Nutrition Educator. She is co-editor of Confronting Love and has written for a variety of health, travel, and relationship sites and magazines. When she is not writing, she gives wellness consultations and choreographs and performs hip-hop and bhangra routines. She currently calls Black Mountain, NC home. Follow her on Twitter @livingwholesoul or on her FB page.

8 Comments »

Carlo said:

Christine, for the record, my comment (“Could it be because you know it’s ripping their hearts into little pieces after they’ve worked up the nerve to talk to you for the past 3 hours?”) was said a bit tongue-in-cheek. While that may be true, I don’t think you should have any guilt because of it. That is not your problem, that is their problem. As long as you’re respectful about it, which I am certain you are, don’t feel bad.

# 29 August 2009 at 5:17 PM

Christine said:

Carlo, I knew you were just giving me a hard time (in a sweet and loving way , but this is actually something that I’ve struggled with? contemplated? for quite a while…

# 29 August 2009 at 5:38 PM

Ekaterina said:

Hello Christine,

I have the same problem as you. It’s quite hard to brush off a person when this person especially seems to be nice. I found a good way to deal with it, by mentioning ‘boyfriend’ at some point. Like, in the first two minute of a conversation, I say that I am waiting for my boyfriend. Since I do have a boyfriend at this moment it is not a lie anymore, but I suppose it was avoidance mechanism earlier.
You raise a very interesting and important topic here. We all have the right to say ‘no’, but somehow, especially for women, it appears to be a very difficult thing to do.
On the other hand, trust me, a good-looking girl writing in a cafe, – is like a chocolate cake for men. They seem unable to pass off the opportunity.
Good luck with writing in cafes:) I know, it is nice, but not easy, lol.

# 30 August 2009 at 11:37 AM

Shelley said:

I’m glad you went ahead and explored this topic in an article, that started out as a FB “comment discussion.” In your original status update and comments about it, of course, none of the details about the particular situation, and man who was trying to talk to you, were disclosed. It was all very vague and theoretical. I have to say here, though, that after reading the details of this man’s pushiness in talking to you – I feel even MORE strongly about my response to the situation! In fact, I would say that you had absolutely no reason to feel any guilt or like you were being rude – HE was being extremely rude! Continuing to bother you when you were obviously working and trying, politely, to show him that; then, not even doing the polite thing himself by ASKING you on a date or for future contact, but basically assuming, short of demanding, that you go hiking with him. WTF???

I do understand, and agree with, your overall feeling about people in general being worthy of our time, attention, and kindness. However, I think that has nothing to do with a situation like this. That a man (or woman) could be that overbearing and presumptive upon simply meeting you, signals control and other problems that would almost certainly arise in any continued interaction.

You did the right thing. Just because someone harasses you or demands, uninvited, your time does not mean that you are obligated to give it to them. With kindness, and karma, we need to remember that it applies to OURSELVES as well.

# 30 August 2009 at 6:27 PM

Patty said:

I totally relate to your dilemma, Christine, and I really honor your struggle. With respect to the unwanted advances, I honor your commitment to kindness AND your commitment to yourself – both are so important and no one more so than the other. For me, I try to accept the struggle as having an inherent tension, remind myself that there’s no “right way” to be or do, and follow through with whatever feels right in the moment. With respect to the not giving men a shot – it ain’t right until it’s right. Trust yourself. Trust your process. You know what you need and want. And you shouldn’t settle for less. Ever.

# 30 August 2009 at 8:46 PM

Deepa said:

For cultural and historical reasons, men are saddled with the uncomfortable task of doing the chasing. While this comes naturally to some guys, for others this is nerve-wracking. They know that if they do nothing, they get nothing, that they must fumble with this chase as best as they can.

I personally know many nice guys who don’t do any chasing, because they are uncomfortable with it, and they have the further angst of watching other, less nice guys, ‘get the girl’, so to speak.

This is the reason why we must cut men some slack. They are caught between a rock and a hard place. Damned if they push, damned if they don’t. And let’s face it, it’s really tough being rejected.

Personally speaking, I am nicer to the ‘loser’ guys than I am to the confident cocky ones. I figure the cocky guy will find some other woman who will fall for his lines.

# 30 August 2009 at 10:35 PM

Candice said:

Hah, always a dilemma! It’s so hard to tactfully turn down someone without embarrassing them. I think that’s the hardest part for me, since I know how it feels. But after living with a variety boys for over three years, turns out most of them are nowhere near as sensitive as we are, and they’ll get over it within minutes.

# 3 September 2009 at 6:31 AM

Amanda, Bay Area Photographer said:

Just part of life ………… be glad they are struck by you enough to make conversation and just be polite. If you are really too busy to make any conversation at all, you’d work from home ( or hotel / van / whatever when traveling ) on super tight deadlines right ?
I understand though ….. the worst for me is if I’ve been traveling and finally make it somewhere public with wi-fi to check email …… you just want to get to work and don’t even want anyone to talk to you !

# 21 October 2009 at 1:46 PM