Photo: Zawezome

At this point, it’s no secret that I’ve lacked the tendency toward one-night stands and such. Even had a downright aversion to them. But I’m not sure I’ve actually explained why before, or I’ve only vaguely insinuated the reason. And I think in a way, that’s been on purpose.

Sex has always meant more to me than maybe the average person. Ok, mass over-generalization there, but culturally, a fair assessment, I believe: people tend to jump in the sack pretty darn easily, whether fueled by alcohol/drugs, an addiction, or just simple horniness. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not really been a part of my makeup.

I spent years feeling weird about it – why couldn’t I just get it on for the fun of it? In college, I had a lot of fear around sex, what with a solid number of my female friends being forcibly “nudged” into the act while they were wasted and/or passed out. It was easier to just hook up with my ex-boyfriend, who I knew was a safe option, yet the act of which kept me from moving on, getting a feel for new territory.

Later, in my 20s, as my body was slowly falling apart, my sex drive went along with it. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t have any, and there were short-term relationships and a few hook-ups here and there. But even then, my hook-ups didn’t go “all the way.” I just wasn’t interested in someone who wasn’t really interested in me being inside of me, what can I say?

As the years went by, and my health improved, I felt drawn toward experimentation, as I do in general in my life. I also had this general sense of missing something/letting my life pass me by. So I attempted a few liaisons that well, fell flat. When it came down to it, I just wasn’t really down with it. This was getting to be downright shitty, stuck between a cock and a hard place (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Finally, sometime after the date with the yoga teacher that I’d been so damn attracted to until he opened his mouth, making me want to scratch my eyes out, but before the man that I fell head-over-heels for who didn’t want to have sex with me (WTF?), I started to get it.

Sex always, ALWAYS, means something.

No Need to be a Prude

This realization doesn’t equal me spouting some nonsense like people should wait until marriage, or that to have a one night stand is immoral. Nope, not even close.

Oh, those wild and crazy Egyptians
Photo: sinabeet

But I think sex often gets relegated to either side of the spectrum – on the one hand it is this dirty, taboo, lustful thing that everyone’s doing, but gotta hide from other people’s knowledge (as in, pretend you aren’t participating in freaky-deaky acts of perversion). On the other, it is meant only for two married heterosexual people who are somewhat allowed to enjoy it, but all-in-all, it is meant for procreation purposes.

I understand there is a more accepted “middle-ground” in most of western society today where sex is meant to be enjoyed between two committed partners, whether married or not. Even to a certain extent, a good chunk of people are ok with the sexual trysts of the single world (thanks, Sex and the City).

Still, sex tends to be an all-or-nothing option: it is only meaningful and fulfilling when it happens in the context of love, and it’s only fucking when it happens between two people not in a relationship. And don’t even try to bring up gay, transgendered, multiple partners, open relationships, fat, elderly, or teenage sex in most circles.

My question is: what if we stepped into sex, whatever form we are participating in it, with a feeling of honor and sacredness?

Of course, not all sex can possibly fall under the category of “sacred” – rape, child predators, essentially places where sex is forced on an unwilling participant. But I wonder if we brought back an idea of consciousness into the equation – instead of the the point just being to get your rocks off – whether at least some people who commit these heinous acts (which we often forget – or don’t like to look at – were committed against them, and help was not available to break that cycle) would refrain?

No, it’s not just that simple, but it might just be a piece of the puzzle.

Like many things in life, we often like to dismiss sex as this purely physical act that our hormones and biology demand that we participate in. Yes, this is probably at the core of our drive, and yet I believe it is one of several wide-reaching roots. If you believe that recycling in the United States can impact the rising temperatures in the Arctic, and if you believe that the food you decide to eat not only can make you gain or lose weight, that it also makes your brain work differently, then why in the world would sex not effect the mind, body, and spirit?

Living With a One-Track Mind

I happened across a blog the other day I’d never heard of, yet I guess became wildly popular in Britain beginning in ’04. It’s called, Girl with a one-track mind, and follows the sexual escapades (that really is a horrible word, and not her description) of one woman, originally from an undercover pseudonym (she has since been outed as Zoe Margolis). I starting clicking through her blog archives and came across this paragraph from her Instinct post:

Sometimes sex is just about your body connecting with someone else’s and you being unable to resist the combined attraction. Perhaps this is explained away by genetics or biology; I’m more inclined to put it down to instinct: sometimes you just want to fuck someone, and by god, if you do, you sure as hell are going to enjoy it.

Yes, sometimes sex is just about attraction. But it is never just about the physical. It will have an emotional impact (man or woman, short or long-term), it will have a mental impact, and it will have a spiritual impact. Living in the present, and honoring those that mill around us on this Earth means understanding that you can’t split off the body and it’s crazy hormones, storing them in a box next to your Penthouses or vibrators. Yes, that might be easier if it was even remotely possible, but we are whole beings. No lopping off of any part of us.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see this as a bad thing. A pretty big point of this life is to get to know who the hell we are, and so consciously stepping into any sexual relationship can really only help that to happen. And hey, it might actually make you freer to feel pleasure…especially in the long run.

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