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“You are poised at the starting line, one foot behind you, ready to sprint. In this life, you are on the fast track, and you must decide if you want to keep those around you who aren’t on the same track.”

I’ve heard variations of this before. Whether it’s been that I’m an old soul, or the fact that I’ve got some intense fire in my chart, or even that I’m fully enlightened and just don’t realize it (yes, I’ve been told this – god forbid), most intuitives/psychics/healers/whathaveyous tell me I’m here to get shit done, though maybe not in so many words.

Even at low points, with a lack of luster radiating (or not radiating?) from the inside out, they saw my chaotic and fiery purpose underneath.

Then why do I so often feel as if I’m not getting anywhere?

You may wonder why I decided to see a psychic yesterday, or why I bother seeing them at all. What can I say – I’m a sucker for hearing about myself. Actually, it’s deeper than that. I want to know myself better. Constantly. Can’t seem to get tired of knowing more about me, getting different points of view, connecting dots. Seeing how far I’ve come. Glimpsing how much further I need to go.

This time, the point was around work, money, family, relationships. Ok, that’s pretty much what it is every time (now that my health is better, which was what dominated these types of conversations several years ago). The first thing this particular intuitive visioned, without me asking any questions, was me at the starting line.

She followed up this image by using tarot cards to read my soul’s agenda (according to her, in the West we have a really hard time of letting go of the ego in order to get to our soul’s purpose, so she works from a place of getting the ego to work for the soul instead).

The answers never seem to correspond to what I think they will be. But they usually strike a cord that feels a bit like smacking your funny bone on the side of a table when you try and get up too quickly.

Reality. Or not.

“There are just going to be a lot of different things happening in your life. You’re not meant to stay in one place for long, but you are meant for the luxurious things in life. It’s your nature, yet you feel guilty about that.

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You feel guilt about constantly moving, you feel guilt about wanting the finer things in life. But that’s what your soul chose for you.”

Damn. Although I don’t consider myself drawn toward excessive luxury, I do like to be able to do pretty much anything I want without thinking about the (money) consequences. So although a Four Seasons Suite seems ridiculously overpriced and not worth the dough, I’m down to stay in a sweet bed and breakfast with tasty gluten and dairy-free options, for sure.

As for the moving, hearing this kind of makes me want to sigh. Loudly. And for a few minutes. I know this about myself, that I get antsy, that I need to see and experience new places after what some might consider a short period of time. But right now, the idea that I’m never gonna settle down in my entire life makes me feel friggin’ tired. My damn spirit is wearing me out.

I thought it was time for me to stay in one place. Build a community. Establish a relationship. Seems I’ve still gotta work on letting go of the last one.

Commitobia

“You shouldn’t say that you are a commitment-phobe. You’re not. You just don’t want anyone in your life that is gonna hold you back. Your fear is someone not letting you be you.”

And here I had just gotten to a point in my life where I felt I could admit I have commitment issues. Now I don’t?

Then why did I lay in bed the other night, 30-some odd hours after seeing him for the first time in six weeks, finally fully feeling the hurt that he ended our relationship? A hurt that had been clouded, covered, and buried by the understanding of why it must be that way, that this was ever the only option, that I knew it would happen eventually.

A hurt that sprang from the old wound of believing my love was too much, that to finally fall into showing myself fully, wrapping him in the cocoon of me, is what pushed him away. That to be real, raw, and open was just too powerful to carry, and so had to be abandoned.

If I don’t have commitment issues, why did I finally see so clearly that I chose a situation where there was no other possible outcome than abandonment? That commitment was impossible, and only allowed for an ending that fed into my deep-seeded beliefs about myself?

“I want to know if we can be friends.”

She looked at me for a moment before she closed her eyes. “It’s still too emotionally charged. The attraction is too strong. You have a choice here, as we always do. You can walk down the path of temptation, staying connected to him. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you’ll have to face the emotional ups and downs. Or, you can choose to remove him from your life and open up that space for what you really want to show up.”

The obvious truth.

“One last thing about him. I’ve been wondering if we have some karma to work out in this life?”

She waited for the answer, and then smiled. “They’re kinda laughing. There’s not really a past life connection, it’s just like your spirits saw each other in this life and said, ‘hey, we could be buddies.’ You two acted as catalysts for each other, pushing the other forward. But you need an adventurous person to walk through this world with you.”

“I do see you coming back together again in this life, apart and together several times, it looks like. Maybe just when you need each other most.”

Teaching

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There’s also always variations on teaching in the world of predicting Christine’s future – yesterday it was adjunct faculty at a community or private college (so as to not tie me down to one place and everything). Before, it’s been speaking at conferences or guiding classes at festivals.

“You have to be ok with changeability. It’s who you are.” I thought about how many times the word “shapeshifter” has come up in my life over the last several weeks. Months. Years. More and more.

Here’s the issue, woman: I need stay stay in one place to develop these teaching skills, to get my work done, to focus. I tried moving around and doing work, only to find myself constantly stressed and behind, burning through what little funds I had. And yet a week at home makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

“Learning is your love. You articulate what you learn really well, and can give that to others. But you need the smorgasbord, the good life, comfort, continuously burning off the old. Being content in your life is a lot broader than you like to believe it is.”

So, am I having to face that I’m really not the tree-hugging, earth-saving, socially-conscious, harkening back to yesteryear person that I think I am, or is she just full of shit?

I’m guessing the answer is somewhere in the middle.