Pleasure Principle: Desire With A Purpose
Our culture's simple pleasure.
Photo: Oneras
In American culture, we are bombarded daily with the marketing of innumerable products, television shows, and even people.
These are pleasures that can be isolated, packaged, purchased and consumed at will in order to fulfill our every desire.
Car dealers promise the pleasure of status; soft drink companies promise happy memories with good friends; make-up manufacturers promise sexual desirability. All of these promised results (if they ever happen) may certainly be pleasurable, but they are also often fleeting and misleading.
By habitually satiating ourselves with purchased pleasures, we miss out on the fulfillment of other, more life-affirming pleasures.
Pleasure begins with desire—one of the most powerful forces in human nature. In his Four Noble Truths, the Buddha identified desire as the source of all suffering.
Yet the desire, and suffering, that Buddha spoke of was a denial of “what is”: the craving for things to be different, or to fit into some ideal of a life without pain or other unpleasantness.
As Within, So Without
There are other desires we experience from within, not as a result of marketing or temptation, but as a result of our own souls leading us toward fulfilling pleasures. These pleasures, though, have more to do with the enrichment of our communities and service to humankind.
The desire that leads to such purposeful pleasure is not a source of suffering, but a source of life. These desires are not a denial of what is, but a persistent witness to what truly is, found underneath life’s material illusions of wealth and happiness.
Unless we are able to make room for purposeful pleasures amidst the bombardment of media-endorsed pleasures, they can be difficult to identify, nurture, and realize.
Purposeful pleasure is not about consumption as much as creativity. It requires using our gifts, talents, interests and delights to contribute something back to the world beyond ourselves (even if it’s just to the neighbor next door).
For the sake of clarity, I will mention here that I’m talking about everything from the humble to the ecstatic, with pleasure being simply defined as any experience you would want to repeat, if you could.
Ethical parameters require the mutual consent of everyone involved—so don’t go picking all the sunflowers from your neighbor’s Victory Garden and claim I put you up to it.
The Relative Versus the Internal
Some types of pleasure depend on a comparison to someone else, while other types of pleasure maintain their value regardless of any external circumstances.
Life's little emotional wheel.
Photo: Rob Hogeslag
Consider the pleasure you might feel when your boss hands you a bonus check for $1000, and thanks you for all your diligent work during the last quarter.
You are elated about this unexpected recognition—until you overhear one of your co-workers congratulating his entire department on their $5000 bonus checks! Your sense of pleasure spirals down the drain.
Maybe you and your new romantic interest finally share a much anticipated, electric first kiss. You’re walking with your head in the clouds, until you find out that three others also shared intimate moments this week with your until-recently-significant other.
You get the idea. A great deal of our daily sense of pleasure may rely on how we think we are doing in comparison to others. Am I more successful than most? Do I have better luck? Am I sexier than others my age? Are my kids happier than most? The comparisons can be endless.
Now let’s consider experiences of pleasure that originate from within. This type of pleasure, at its core, requires self-confidence. We must believe that we know ourselves, and that our senses and intuition are trustworthy. We have to pay attention to what we like and don’t like, what we’re drawn to, what brings our bodies ecstasy and bliss.
We must trust that we know our truths better than anyone, and sometimes in spite of what others may say.
Once we know what we like, we must value it, and act on it. I may perceive at some point that hearing classical oboe music feels particularly pleasurable to me; but unless I take this pleasure seriously, and act on it, I may never realize that I would truly love to play the oboe myself.
Purposeful pleasure connects us deeper into ourselves. Its treasure is boundless, but we are the sole owners who determine its worth.
Pleasure as a Process
A holistic approach to purposeful pleasure tells us something that, were it not for our pre-packaged pleasure consumption, should be obvious in life: pleasure is not something we can truly isolate and experience at will, apart from all other aspects of life.
Photo: iscari0t
Pleasure is, in part, defined by aspects of life that are not necessarily pleasurable—limits and boundaries, budgets, disappointment, unexpected events…the list goes on.
In contrast to the single, isolated, pleasurable moment, the pursuit of purposeful pleasure can be understood as a process.
Part of what makes that late-season playoff game so memorable and unbelievably precious are all the losses and mistakes, unanswered hopes and dreams that came before it.
Part of what makes that perfect painting such a great pleasure is all the hard work, failed efforts and repeated attempts that finally complete the process.
Pleasure is born of desire, but also includes effort, failure, learning, persistence and achievement. Not all of these aspects will be part of every pleasure process, but all these steps can be embraced as celebrated aspects of pleasure.
So the good news is, a large portion of our everyday lives is part of the pleasure process. Why do we work? Why do we build relationships? Why do we plant gardens and raise children? It’s all in the pursuit of purposeful pleasure; it’s all a part of the process.
Pleasure in Relationship
I mentioned above that pleasure may be defined in part by limiting variables that are not necessarily pleasant. What these “negative” aspects reveal about the nature of purposeful pleasure is its dependence on relationship.
The pleasures of friendship.
Photo: prakhar
As part of a pleasure process, the individual acts in relationship with others, in relationship with resources, in relationship with herself or himself (self-awareness). Note that the more profit-promoted commodities of pleasure most often do not acknowledge such forms of relationship—it’s all about mindless you and your fabulous product.
The process of constantly bumping up against the limits of relationship gives us a valuable gift: perspective on how we fit into the bigger picture of life. We feel and embody our own place in the world.
Pursuing pleasure, we learn how our lives are interdependent with everything around us. We feel the limitations and freedoms of what it means to be human. We enter into the cycles of giving and receiving, birth and death, failure and success. Pleasure delivers us into the hands of our finest teachers, and pushes us into challenges that define our ultimate success.
Purposeful pleasure shows us how our own boundaries, and those of the world in which we live, are not simply obstacles to be overcome, but finite realities that render our beauty ageless and inimitable. The more we intentionally practice noticing and creating experiences of purposeful pleasure, the more we recognize our intrinsic desires to fulfill our pleasures through processes in relationship.
Give it a try; after all, how bad can a little pleasure be?
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About the Author
Kendra Mellinger is a pleasure researcher with an MA in Consciousness Studies. A lifelong Trekkie and Carl Sagan fan, her other interests include holistic health, faith & spiritual practice, and domestic engineering. In addition to exploring the world with her partner and three-year-old son, she plays ice hockey in the South Bay and sings bluegrass in the shower. You can contact her here.
Thanks Kendra! Christine Garvin pointed out this article to me on facebook – it’s really true that our INTERNAL desires and pleasure are what will bring us ultimate and lasting happiness. If we rely on what is external, we will never be truly happy. Just my perspective. Loved reading this article, thank you for it!
Shelley,
Thank you and I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Your comment made me think about the flow of the pleasure process. It’s a flow of getting the internal sense of pleasure to an external reality, or expression. We create from the inside. The internal inspires external expressions of pleasure.
Of course the opposite flow, external to internal, is what helps us to learn what we like in the first place, what brings us pleasure.
I would also mention that, just because a bottle of perfume is a “pre-packaged, consumable commodity” doesn’t mean it can’t bring me deep, satisfying and meaningful pleasure. It’s a matter of knowing the difference between being sold the impression of pleasure, and truly feeling it within. It sounds like you and I are both proponents of the latter.
Kendra Mellinger
I believe pleasure comes from knowing who you are and realizing that the “I” enjoys wanting. When you want something, the ego and personality add to the desire object illusions in the form of imagination. This effectively raise the pleasure level. When the dream is fulfilled, the ego’s pleasure is gone and you start desiring something else. Remember the ego loves pleasure. True happiness comes from being free from want or desire.
ACCUMULATION + CONSUMPTION
vs.
CREATION + CONTRIBUTION
after 10 years in the rat race chasing that elusive ‘thing’ everyone is after – only to lose it all with the turn of the markets – that’s an easy choice for me.
nicely written.
Hi Kendra!
I loved your article! I am battling a sugar addiction (no different from any other addiction, as you would know), and although am aware of what lasting and meaningful pleasure is (the process itself, although that too, impermanent), the strong and intense pleasure of drug use (sugar being a drug), is hard to compete with. How can I learn to let go of the intense pleasure and settle for the purposeful pleasure when clearly, when someone has experienced the electric, almost unreal and momentary pleasure from sugar.
Any thoughts? Not sure if you have any background on addiction or addictive personalites.
Thanks in advance for any words or wisdom,
Esti
Hi Esti,
Thank you for writing! I do have some thoughts on your questions, but I should preface them here by mentioning that I have a small box of chocolates at my desk as I type!
I have no professional training with addiction or addictive behavior; I am no doctor. I do have some personal experience with sugar addiction and addictive behavior. I also don’t know what your health situation is, or how sensitive you are to sugar. So please take my comments for what they are worth, with your own best interest at heart.
I’m mindful of the words I use, as they do matter immensely. Being a dedicated pacifist both externally and internally, I’d avoid the term “battling” a sugar addiction and instead suggest framing your experience with phrases like: learning from sugar; working with sugar; or even playing with sugar. This is not to diminish the importance of the challenge, but instead to highlight your intention to gain something from it at will. Even defeat is a learning experience. While sugar is definitely an addictive drug, there’s more to it than that. Sugar is a complex and ingrained member of our society. It’s practically a force of nature; though human-made.
The last thing I would recommend is to let go of intense pleasure and settle for anything. I’m all in support of intense pleasure, my friend. If sugar consumption is truly that good for you, take that experience seriously. Great risks and sacrifices are made in all realms of life for intense pleasure. It’s not just a sugar thing.
What I can recommend is an honest, healthy and holistic attempt at cost analysis. Look at the benefits first.
How is eating sugar so intensely pleasurable? What specifically do you like? You mentioned an electric and almost unreal pleasure. Does eating sugar give you the most intense experience of these things? Are there other things in life that have given you even more intense experiences of electric and other-worldly pleasure? How risky or elusive are those things? How does eating sugar compare? What possible consequences are involved, and how do those compare? Which experiences are most within your control? Eating sugar is a pretty easy and accessible pleasure. Making a life dream come true with someone you adore may not be. This counts as valid consideration.
Understanding some of these issues behind our pleasure-oriented choices can help us “unpack” what’s going on behind the scenes. Really, truly taking the time to write down what you like about eating sugar can be a healthy and revealing process. Who are you with when you eat sugar? Who do you become? What do you remember or what do you anticipate? What fears or stresses do you alleviate? For how long?
Eating sugar can help us realize what other sweetness we are missing out on in life. Reflecting on such experiences can be extremely educational, if we are willing to take the time and effort to embrace a holistic perspective on cravings and desires. Maybe the utter delight you get from eating _____ could remind you of how sweet it would be to pursue a non-food-related pleasure. “Wouldn’t trying such-and-such again just rock your neurons?!”
So those are some ways to acknowledge the good things about eating sugar. On the flip side of the cost analysis are the questions you probably rack yourself with more often–those dealing with the cons and consequences of eating sugar. What don’t you like about eating sugar? What negative side effects or results do you experience?
Whatever these may be, I advise making sure they are your own. In other words, don’t reprimand yourself with another someone’s ideas of why sugar is bad–or worse, why *you* are bad for eating sugar. Even if someone is an accomplished scientist with a Ph.D. in Sugar Badness, their judgments do not belong on your conscience. Parental opinions, friends’ opinions, magazine articles and fashion reviews have no place here. What’s really needed is your own personal, knowledgeable, experiential judgment of what does and doesn’t work well for you and your beautiful body.
For me, eating sugar removes me from my true self. It’s an avoidance technique. I literally don’t have the full use of my intuition, athletic ability, intelligence or authentic presence when I eat sugar. That’s a pretty serious cost, and one I’m less and less willing to pay the more I realize how much I need every cell of this person I am if I am to live the life I want for myself. I didn’t read that in a magazine article and I’ve never heard anyone say it before. So it’s historically been easy to talk myself out of believing it to be true. But it is, for me.
Believe whatever is true for you, and eat accordingly.
Finally, decide what your goals are. What do you want for yourself where eating sugar is concerned? What does a realistic, balanced, holistic picture of you and this sugar gig look like? And why is that what you want? Based on your goals, put some plans in place. Flesh out a way of getting to where you want to go. Write out baby steps, engage the help of supportive friends or online communities, and plan rewards for making progress toward where you want to be. Slow, miniscule steps tend to be the most sustainable, in my experience. Which makes them count the most.
Unfortunately, sugary foods are quick, easy, and universally accessible. If we are serious about choosing alternatives, we have to come to terms with the fact that these choices will take more time, more effort, and more perseverance. Not a lot more, but a little. If you want to eat less sugar, you’ve got to put the time for it in your schedule. You may have to budget for it. You’ll have to plan ahead of time. Sugar is so very easy. A healthy green salad is not as easy; but easier than building your own chicken nugget factory. Or spending time in the hospital. Put things into perspective, and respect yourself enough to commit extra resources to this goal. It’s important.
Have some plans in place to support yourself. What can you do besides eating sugar? Focus on what you *want* to eat more than on what you don’t. “I want to eat more of this, and this is how I will do that.” Consider the situations, times of day, or locations where you are most likely to crave sugar. Then make a plan for what you will do when that happens. Have a snack alternative in your glove box. Pick a destination where you can buy something you want to eat more than sugar. Associate a healthy food with someone or something you love, so that when you miss that someone or something, this is what you eat. Create rituals and comfortable routines around healthy foods. The more meaning you put into the good stuff, the less sugar will matter.
When you do decide to eat sugar, for Pete’s sake, enjoy it! Experience the pleasure with intention and finesse, if that’s reasonable (not if you’re diabetic). Our bodies and our lives are designed to accommodate give and take. Sugar ingestion is both good and a little costly. The more gracious and accepting you can be of yourself wherever you are in this process, the more able you will be to move on, and get to where you want to be.
Better yet, focus on what other kinds of intense pleasures you want to have. Pursue them with a vengeance. The sugar cravings may melt down to a small, impotent puddle of nothing, à la Wicked Witch of the West.
Best wishes, Esti, and thanks again for writing.
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