One-Night Stands: Are They Worth it for Women?
Photo: kainr
Don’t worry, this is not a piece about abstinence. Nor am I particularly trying to educate anybody on safe sex or general safety, thought those are very important topics within themselves.*
No, this is about the more personal issue of whether or not it is worth it for most women to have one night stands. The personal issue here being pleasure.
I’ll admit, it’s never really been my thing. In college, I felt like the odd-one-out because I hardly ever went home with a guy. The few times I pushed myself to accept an invitation, I’d find an excuse to leave before the situation crossed that threshold.
At that point, my resistance certainly had quite a bit to do with fear of being raped, or having the guy act as if he barely knew me the next day (this happened to plenty of women I knew), or how I would “come off” (no pun intended) since I didn’t have much experience at the time.
While the first two points began to fade as I gained post-college worldliness–or something like that–I think the third point took on a life of its own. But it became less about how I would seem to the guy, and more about how he would seem to me.
C’mon now, how many women truly get off during a one-night stand?
Now, I know there are some women out there who come if they get too close to a jungle gym, or when they see a nice, juicy cucumber at the market.
Fruit is hot
Photo: Podknox
But there are more women out there who spend 7 years with a guy only to admit once they’ve broken up that she faked orgasms the WHOLE TIME.
Knowing myself pretty well, I’d say there is about a 1% chance that I’m going to have an orgasm during a one-night stand.
Most men (sorry, guys) are pretty focused on their own pleasure, or think they know what they’re doing with a woman when they don’t. I have no advice for the former, other than to get over yourself (and most often you do, once in a relationship). As for the latter, I don’t really blame you–each of our bodies are so different it takes time to really learn what makes us tick.
As for my vibrator, I give it about a 99.9% chance of getting the job done. What that equates to is pretty much a guarantee eyes-roll-to-the-back-of-the-head, with the .1% pertaining to sickness, excessive work, or dying batteries (and every woman with one knows the frantic search around the apartment for the remote, a whirling toothbrush, or the back of the drawer in hopes of finding a used battery that can be brought back to life by rubbing it crazily). Hey, it’s statistically impossible to be perfect.
And your point is…?
Now, I know a vibrator can’t touch you tenderly, whisper sweet nothings in your ear, or cuddle afterward. But neither do many one-night stands. So what’s the point, exactly?
You never know who you'll end up with...
Photo: Mia da Chicken
If you do get off easily, ok, I get it. Otherwise, it tends to be about drunkenness (past a certain point in life, that’s just sad), feeling as if you should for whatever reason (don’t want to be a prude, feel you owe it to the guy), or the need for human connection (my advice: get a massage or cuddle with a good friend).
Really, is it worth the possibility of STDs or a clit that is painfully sore for weeks after (guys, it is not wood you are trying to sand down)?
Personally, one of my favorite things about being intimate with another person is being playful from the vantage point of knowing them pretty well.
It’s a lot easier to joke around when you know which buttons will be pushed in the right direction, it’s more fun to talk dirty to someone who knows you on many different levels, and most of all, it is a lot easier to totally let yourself go–and ask for exactly what you want–when you trust the person you are with.
Which leads to the much higher statistic probability of getting off with the other person. And if not, at least you can usually bring the vibrator into the mix.
*Some great resources include Planned Parenthood and the awesome Just Yell Fire. Also, check out this teen’s excellent post on Feministing.com.
About the Author
Christine Garvin is a certified Nutrition Educator and holds a MA in Holistic Health Education. She is co-editor of Brave New Traveler and a featured author at Healthier Talk. When she is not out traveling the world, she is busy writing, doing yoga, and performing hip-hop and bhangra. She also likes to pretend living in her hippie town of Fairfax, CA is like being on vacation.
very interesting article. much better than anything i’ve read in cosmo.
Ha, Tim, I knew you’d have something to say about it!
I think it has to do with your attitudes about sex – what you consider sex (1st base? 3rd base?), how assertive you are, and whether sex with a stranger has the potential to adversely affect your self esteem.
In a way, one night stands are worth it, even if they do make you feel bad because they are a way of getting to know yourself – what you need – what you think you deserve (more), and what you are willing to put up with – or not. You learn how you react to passion without a bond, you push yourself and your boundaries and hopefully you come out the other end with a better understanding of yourself as a person.
Very thought provoking, Christine. I have a lot more to say about this, but I think it’s best kept to myself!
Hi…this article is rad. I’d like to add that there are some guys out there that are convinced that all women can have an orgasm through penetration and that feel disappointed when it doesn’t happen that way. All that I can say is that those guys need more education on female anatomy. It’s been my experience that the one night stand guys are in that category…
Your candidness is remarkable…and commendable! I suppose the title is rhetorical, in that it’s quite a personal thing. Most of the girls I knew in highschool who were the one night stand types ended up having babies when they were 20 and getting stuck in the burbs. So…I guess that’s something to think about too.
I have always found the best indicator of whether or not someone will turn out to be a compatible sex partner is a shared sense of humor. Allow me to explain.
As I see it, there is a big difference between fun and funny.
Fun is all your own.. whatever you think or feel it to be. That’s what it is for you. It’s a subtle thing.. that net effect of a lifetime of your smiles and frowns – and all states in-between.
Laughter like a sneeze pops out faster than our ability to stop it.. and pity the poor soul so suspicious of their own laughter and what it might reveal about themselves, that they must approve it before releasing their pale imitation of a snicker or a snort.
Funny, on the other hand, is a more general thing – more consensus-driven – usually whatever the majority of us regard as “amusing” at any given time – but it’s not something that YOU necessarily have any control over.
Obviously, the rest of mankind never found George Bush as funny as I did, or they would have laughed him right out of existence. Obviously, funny is not always fun. In fact, a lot of times it’s hurtful and even violent.
Now, I’m not trying to be funny here, but I think there exists a certain similarity between funny and fun and between pleasure and sex.
Pleasure – like fun, is all your own. No one other than you can possibly know what does and doesn’t give you pleasure. It’s that subtle thing again.
Sex on the other hand.. is that thing we’re supposed to want for all the reasons that we’re supposed to want it – including the fact that it’s the mother cosmic evolutionary strange attractor force that none of us can stand above.
And attraction is a good thing, right? It’s about the wisdom of the body… like feeling the difference in temperatures, the pressure of the wind or a touch – being aware of something intuitively before it makes sense to your mind.
How could that possibly not be important? And in ways that extend beyond sex and comedy as well.
I mean what is more pleasurable to look at than beauty.. and especially beauty that awakens desire?
But does that mean you must act on it? Not necessarily. Maybe you do, that’s fine. There is no substitute for experience, and certainly no argument or rationalization holds a candle to the “real” thing.
But when you don’t act on it.. perhaps it’s because the situation has somehow not elicited the fun and pleasure that you know makes all the difference for YOU between resistance and surrender.
As I see it, the answer is not to say yes or no to unexpected opportunities, or to make another “rule” for yourself about what you should or shouldn’t do.
I think the best course is simply to follow what is fun and what is pleasurable for you (AND hopefully for the other person) – and do not be the first to back away. Be relaxed but be interested. See if the two of you can somehow jimmy open the door into some mutual and delicious space of fun AND pleasure.
Cause in my experience, that where the sweetness lives – and the rightness, the lightness AND the holy untightness.
If you do not mistake funny for fun and you do not accept sex in place of pleasure.. then it “really” doesn’t matter how long you’ve known that person.
The game I believe is to keep surprising yourself – particularly when it comes to fun and pleasure.
When the right key fits the right lock, then that’s just the universe saying “turn and open.”
What you do after that is entirely up to you.
Tim–Yeah, Cosmo tells women how to please their man (not themselves), what is wrong with them, and what products they need to buy to make themselves more attractive to men. I gave up that bad habit at 22
Kate–As I was writing this, I knew there would be a lot of women out there who would prove me wrong, and I think that is one of the wonderful things about being a woman–we are all so different. I do agree that it depends of what you consider sex, that it is one way to get to know yourself/needs better, but I also think that the freedom to really get to know and understand your needs often comes with time and practice. Maybe one night stands are best for the woman who has been in a relationship most of her life?
Sylvie–I know, right? That is what they should teach in sex ed–bam, bam, bam does not equal pleasure for the woman.
Carlo–good point, I think that is probably the case in many different places.
Mark–Beautifully put.
sadly, this kind of REAL discussion doesn’t happen often enough…
…could you imagine ‘Men’s Journal’ running an article entitled: ‘One Night Stands: Are They Worth it for Men’ ??
Mark, I love your comment. This very topic has been on my mind. While researching radio show topics for “Sexploration with Monika” I found a study about most women still reporting negative feelings after one-night stands, “Women Have Not Adapted To Casual Sex, Research Shows”, Science Daily (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080625092023.htm). I’m not a believer in evolutionary psychology, nor do I think that women (and the nurturer role) make us biologically unable to enjoy casual sex. It’s just as Christine said: it’s rarely worth it and no fun to find out. With our sex-negative culture and the “blame” for free sexuality being an aspersion for women (slut/whore) {while men are still studs} plus risks of having a sexual experience that’s physically and/or emotionally painful, non-consensual (what if you change your mind in the middle and he doesn’t take no for an answer)… or even if it’s just bad sex. Then, with the preponderance of risk of STI transmission* and responsibility for unplanned pregnancy, one-night stands are seldom worth it. (*As the receptive partner, women are more likely than men to contract an STI if they have unprotected sex with an infected partner.) Not that the risk is always worth making a huge “Rule” over, but what Christine is saying is overwhelmingly the feeling in most one-night situations. Anyway, there are plenty ways to say yes to pleasure and have fun together without getting an STI, pregnant, or even just that yucky I-had-sex-with-him-and-he-didn’t-care-for-my-pleasure feeling. A night of cuddling, outercourse, or non-genital penetrative intercourse, is a perfectly lovely way to share pleasure without wading into murky waters.
Do you have to say outercourse? Yuck.
Christine,
You are so on the money with this article, it’s scary (in a good way!).
Although, I will say this…one of the most passionate evenings I’ve ever had in my life was the result of a one night stand. I met a young man at a party in Berkeley (I say “young man” because he was at least 10 years younger than me) – we hit it off and flirted the entire party. I gave him a ride home and he snuck me into his co-op. We ended up making out for HOURS. No sex, just making out. But damn! The way he held me and the way he kissed me was just so….present! I’d never been held or kissed like that before and haven’t since. I remember thinking at the time, “When I fell in love again, I hope it feels like THIS”. I never saw him or talked to him again after that night…but he is burned into my memory (in a good way).
So maybe the trick with one nighters is to keep it just to making out. Cuz, let’s face it, it’s the foreplay the we women like anyway.
Really interesting read! I think that some people can have them without the slightest self-loathing afterwards, and probably can enjoy themselves without needing to know the guy very well.
And I think it’s wrong to assume men who have one-night-stands are presumably going to be lazy at it; after all, if the guys you are having one-night-stands with don’t do it for you, then that’s not to say that the men you then would have relationships with will. Your last sentence made me laugh and is probably the answer!
I look forward to reading more of your articles, just found your website link through http://www.bravenewtraveler.com and would love it if you could have a quick look at mine too!
Thanks, Jen, and just checked out your site–super cute. It’s cool you’ve been doing this blogging thing for quite some time!
They are not for me.
I’ve had a few during business trips and they were VERY fun , but no intercourse happened. Mine involved just touching, so STD risk was extemely low ( that’s how I am …… just risk averse in general ! ) . With mine …….. I got off each time . So did they. I think the newness and the fact that was REALLY physically attracted to each person ( not just drunk ) were key. I did this only 3 times total in 5 years of frequent travel – so don’t done judge !
Oh yeah ………. back to why they aren’t for me :
I get emotionally attached. I mean …. I didn’t with these people I met them we were both far from home, but in general I do. Women are fighting basic biology when they try to be casual with intimacy. Most CAN’T be intimate without getting emotionally attached because attachment in a reaction your body produces.
~Female Blog reader who is remaining anonymous on this comment !
Maren ( Christine …. I hope it’s ok to refer to a comment ) :
Isn’t it AMAZING how strongly your body can react to kissing ? The person I fell in love with ( the only one so far in my life ) was exactly as you described ….. such a great kisser and so PRESENT ! He was truly exploring me before things got sexual and that was VERY powerful to me. He isn’t in my life now, but I hope I find someone who kisses like him again !
I just feel used…. everybody’s seen my Plums now!
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