I am not sure my girlfriend could ever be comfortable with such a non traditional relationship but it is the idea that traditions should be challenged that I respect in story. It would be interesting to know how you approach your own marriage if that is what cupid has in mind for you.

To Kate, I hope that someday you meet some male friends you feel comfortable with when their or your spouse is not around. Not all men have one goal in mind.

To Carlo, comments like yours are probably the reason women are always on the defensive. Yes I am very attracted to numerous women, but that doesn’t mean sexually and that my ultimate goal is to get into bed with them. I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years and would love to get together with an old friend or new acquaintance over a beer… with or without my girlfriend. I always invite her but if she doesn’t come with she completely trust me to not pursue a relationship. She is usually more worried when I go out with the guys. Honestly, women are much more interesting to hold a serious conversation with. Unfortunately, many people do agree with you Carlo which is why I have lost several female friends since they have been married. A sad example of jealousy these days.

David, this piece was meant to be ‘academic’ to a certain extent, or at least educational, because this is a health education source. I was trying to give some factual evidence behind what amounts to a decision that affects people’s health on all levels. The book will show the emotional side

Anonymous, thanks for your story/take.

Kate, I didn’t include the fact that he asked me to either grab a drink that evening if I had time, or to come out to their house and see Samantha and their daughter the next night for dinner. I was leaving town the next morning, so I chose the former. Also, we had attended many of the same events over the years, had drinks together and spent time one-on-one, and there was never an overt underlying hint of interest on a romantic level. Same went for that afternoon where I saw him.

Carlo, I agree that most of the time, there is some level of attraction between the sexes. But at the same time, there is also often a level of attraction between the same sexes, or married people, straight people, the list goes on (I remember two years after the fact finding out that a good female friend had had an intense crush on me. I was floored). I don’t think it’s necessarily about attraction, but whether or not one or the other person attempts to take it to the next level. And friendship is possible in-between.

This goes down to the question of, can guys and girls have purely platonic relationships? I have always maintained that this is impossible. There is always a level of sexual tension. One need look no further than Pretty in Pink (poor Ducky!) or Some Kind of Wonderful.

Also, OP, when a straight guy asks you out for drinks socailly without the company of his wife, I have to say I know very few other reasons for this happening than what he hoped would (and what actually did) happen.

It’s very complex and extremely personal. Overall, I completely agree with questioning the tradition of marriage, questioning the “core of our entire belief system”. Just because it is the way it is, doesn’t mean it’s valid anymore. (This is coming from a married man, by the way.)

Saying that, I question what the point of marriage is then if it’s to be “open”. The simple act of getting married is giving in to our “core belief system”, doing what is traditional. And that’s all it is, a tradition. So if you’re going down that path, then why is it OK to break from tradition and make a marriage open? In other words, why get married in the first place?

But I totally agree with this:

We think we have absolute beliefs, until we find ourselves in a situation where everything is different.

Great article! It highlights many of the points that people see as faults, but I see as realistic views of relationships these days. I mean, if people cheat so often, why not take the falsehood out of it. Either way, you’re dealing with intense emotion, but you’re at least on a stage to deal with them in a direct, honest way.

The fact that the non-included partner consented is key. Honesty and transparency are key.

Yes, it can all get messy, but such is the nature of relationships. Trust and knowing each other helps.

Courage and well wishes to you as you sort through your own repercussions, and don’t be too judgmental with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, and something daring about unsettling your own waters to get a better picture of what’s beneath.

this piece felt ‘academic’ for some reason.