Love and Marriage: One Woman’s Experience With an Open Relationship
Photo: Hammer51012
I broke the cardinal rule: I had a one-night stand with a married man.
Thing is, there weren’t really any rules to break.
Side note–I have no doubt that this piece will rub some people the wrong way, that they will be unable to see the why or the how, instead only seeing the what. I understand this perspective. But while there are parts that are very personal, this is about something much bigger than me, and in a way, is a question we all must face at some point in our lives–End note.
So yes, I had a one-night stand with a married man. But it wasn’t a one-night stand in the traditional sense.
I have known this man for quite a few years; around seven, in fact. We ran around the same food circles in San Francisco. We shared a progressive sense of the world. We chatted about photography.
I also knew his wife.
They moved to the East Coast, along with their daughter, a couple of years ago. While they were still in California, I had heard rumblings of them sharing an ‘open marriage’ from those who like to pass along such tidbits.
I had always found him attractive, but wasn’t attracted to him, mainly because he was, well, married. But then fate decided to step in and prove me wrong on many different levels. Levels like not being into one-night stands. Or having sex with a married man. Or even feeling comfortable to participate in a deep flirtation with someone in a relationship.
A Break in the Clouds
Walking down the main street of nowhere, Connecticut does not normally bode well for running into an old friend from across the country. But that is exactly where I saw him and his young daughter, who was swinging around a stoplight pole. He and I both did a double-take, and then fell into an easy, yet short, conversation. I had to get some work done; he and his little girl had to get home.
Photo: ¥§•ªˆ¨ˇ© LOVE © ˇ¨ˆª•§¥
It certainly came as a surprise hours later when I received an email from him asking if I was free later that evening. I had dinner with friends, I replied, but that shouldn’t run too late–I’d love to meet up for a drink.
Not for a second did I even contemplate there was any tinge of lust involved.
For hours and several drinks, there wasn’t–at least as far as I could tell. But then there was a moment the atmosphere shifted, and that was the beginning of the…well, you know.
We’d already had a long discussion at that point about his open marriage. I got it, but didn’t fully get it. I didn’t get it on the level of my own boundaries, beliefs, and fears.
But I got that they had worked through something that most of us never will on a personal level, and certainly not with our partners.
Soul Mates
Ryan and Samantha are soul mates, no doubt. When you see the two of them together, they just fit. Their daughter looks like a perfect rendition of one of those computer graphics that fuse two people together.
Photo: WTL photos
But they are non-monogamous. Maybe just being realistic. They share their non-monogamy with each other, checking in before making any move. Each has veto power. Yet mostly, they “cheer each other on whenever one of us finds beauty, and this applies ‘even’ when that beauty is a night with someone else,” he later told me.
“It really does feel amazing to be able to share about an unexpected sensual unveiling with one’s partner. It’s at these moments that I realize Samantha is both wife and best friend,” he continued.
She was actually the one who nudged him to contact me after he mentioned our chance encounter earlier in the day. At first, I was a bit surprised to hear this, but then…I wasn’t. The way they handle their relationship is entirely outside the scope of what most of us comprehend possible.
Why is that? Why are they so capable of trust, lack of jealousy, and a deep appreciation for the other finding pleasure elsewhere, when most of us can’t get over a simple turn of the eye?
The way they handle their marriage certainly brings up the issue of nature vs. nurture. Are we biologically imprinted to have jealousy and to connect sex with love, or is it a cultural phenomenon so deeply embedded we can’t see our way out of it?
This is not to say that having sex with another person doesn’t mean anything, that there are not feelings involved every single time, that no one is going to get hurt in the process. But when you look at the alternative–in America, it is projected that 50% of marriages will fail, and an average of 10% a year admit to cheating on their spouses (I’m sure the real number is higher)–does it make sense to start defining a new paradigm?
Maybe, just maybe, during our shifting times, we must reevaluate our systems of love, and tinker with our initial emotional reactions. Maybe, just maybe, we need to let go.
Where the Guest Star Falls
My friend laughed fully and loudly as I told him what had happened. “Why are you laughing?” I asked, thinking he was somehow judging my “justifications” of sleeping with a married man.
“It’s just that you lived in the polyamory capital of the world for years, and refused to go there. Then you go to Connecticut, for God’s sake, and it happens in an instant.”
Photo: NeoGaboX
Yes, well…hmm. As far as I can tell, they do not have a polyamorus relationship in the traditional sense–it’s not about having relationships outside of their relationship. It’s about living in the moment, when you find yourself with “doors ajar; universe steps in with kismet; radical marriage; juicy night.” And then you take those feelings of aliveness back into your marriage, home and family.
Having said that, could I do it in my own relationship? My whole being screams “no.” My nature contains a sometimes inflamed jealousy that I’m not sure could handle thoughts of my love being inside someone else.
In this situation, where I was the “guest star,” I have to admit, I felt reasonably comfortable. I know this had to do with the fact that I knew this man and and trusted him. Knowing full well that his wife not only approved of the situation but helped to prompt it made me not really consider the repercussions.
Even months later, I don’t feel there were repercussions within the context of the three of us. That’s hard for me to say from their point of view, obviously. There might be some lasting negative consequence within their relationship, but I doubt it.
But in the context of society, some guilt did arise within me. When I shared the story with a couple of friends, more than a few moments of thinking a scarlet letter A should hang on my chest passed through my head. I understood their worried glances; I’d been the worried glancer to other friends before.
I thought about that psychology experiment where a group of students were divided into jailers and prisoners, and how quickly those normal kids in charge turned sadistic. We think we have absolute beliefs, until we find ourselves in a situation where everything is different. But, unlike the experiment, those new situations aren’t always worse than where we found ourselves before; had I instead drifted into a new paradigm of love that uses honesty, integrity and openness as its main lifeline?
As for me on a personal level, it served as a connecting, contained experience that brought about some positive realizations. Maybe the containment and the fact that there was no possible relationship outcome says something about me and my own commitment issues.
Maybe it does.
Read the wife’s response here.
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About the Author
Geneveve Levin likes to stay behind closed doors as she offers up her wisdom on sexuality and other taboo topics related to health. She will answer your questions as they come, but moves quickly through the night.
polyamory. this is the second time i’ve read this word today. wudup exactly?
this piece felt ‘academic’ for some reason.
Great article, great questions.
The fact that the non-included partner consented is key. Honesty and transparency are key.
Yes, it can all get messy, but such is the nature of relationships. Trust and knowing each other helps.
Courage and well wishes to you as you sort through your own repercussions, and don’t be too judgmental with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, and something daring about unsettling your own waters to get a better picture of what’s beneath.
Funny, I was the one who mentioned polyamory to David for the first time today.
Great article! It highlights many of the points that people see as faults, but I see as realistic views of relationships these days. I mean, if people cheat so often, why not take the falsehood out of it. Either way, you’re dealing with intense emotion, but you’re at least on a stage to deal with them in a direct, honest way.
Polyamory is a really really hard concept for me to wrap my mind around– much less my emotions or my body.
But I totally agree with this:
We think we have absolute beliefs, until we find ourselves in a situation where everything is different.
This is a really well written piece about am pretty complex issue. I also once experienced a very complicated and yet amazing relationship with a married man. Do date he is still the person who I have been most in love with in my entire life, and it was the most unusual situation I ever chose to be in. Up until then, I never thought I could do it, but I think the point is that human emotions are not easily categorized, and within many marriages people are expected to just bury the feelings and impulses they have. I don’t think this is a good idea under any circumstances. While, at this point in my life, I can’t imagine being in an open relationship, I commend this couple for developing the kind of relationship where they can be their complete selves.
It’s funny, because I was formulating an organized response about this in my head…then when I started typing I realized I have no organized thoughts about this at all.
It’s very complex and extremely personal. Overall, I completely agree with questioning the tradition of marriage, questioning the “core of our entire belief system”. Just because it is the way it is, doesn’t mean it’s valid anymore. (This is coming from a married man, by the way.)
Saying that, I question what the point of marriage is then if it’s to be “open”. The simple act of getting married is giving in to our “core belief system”, doing what is traditional. And that’s all it is, a tradition. So if you’re going down that path, then why is it OK to break from tradition and make a marriage open? In other words, why get married in the first place?
I tend to agree with the school of thought that polyamory is destabilizing to the primary relationship and as much as I’d like to believe it wasn’t the case, I haven’t met any couples who I know have done this sort of thing and actually made the relationship last.
Also, OP, when a straight guy asks you out for drinks socailly without the company of his wife, I have to say I know very few other reasons for this happening than what he hoped would (and what actually did) happen.
As a guy, I fully back what Kate just said. No straight guy is looking for “friendship” in someone of the opposite sex. Especially if they’re attractive – your shadow looks pretty sexy
This goes down to the question of, can guys and girls have purely platonic relationships? I have always maintained that this is impossible. There is always a level of sexual tension. One need look no further than Pretty in Pink (poor Ducky!) or Some Kind of Wonderful.
I appreciate people’s comments on my piece. Couple of things I wanted to say:
David, this piece was meant to be ‘academic’ to a certain extent, or at least educational, because this is a health education source. I was trying to give some factual evidence behind what amounts to a decision that affects people’s health on all levels. The book will show the emotional side
Anonymous, thanks for your story/take.
Kate, I didn’t include the fact that he asked me to either grab a drink that evening if I had time, or to come out to their house and see Samantha and their daughter the next night for dinner. I was leaving town the next morning, so I chose the former. Also, we had attended many of the same events over the years, had drinks together and spent time one-on-one, and there was never an overt underlying hint of interest on a romantic level. Same went for that afternoon where I saw him.
Carlo, I agree that most of the time, there is some level of attraction between the sexes. But at the same time, there is also often a level of attraction between the same sexes, or married people, straight people, the list goes on (I remember two years after the fact finding out that a good female friend had had an intense crush on me. I was floored). I don’t think it’s necessarily about attraction, but whether or not one or the other person attempts to take it to the next level. And friendship is possible in-between.
Geneveve, bravo!
I am not sure my girlfriend could ever be comfortable with such a non traditional relationship but it is the idea that traditions should be challenged that I respect in story. It would be interesting to know how you approach your own marriage if that is what cupid has in mind for you.
To Kate, I hope that someday you meet some male friends you feel comfortable with when their or your spouse is not around. Not all men have one goal in mind.
To Carlo, comments like yours are probably the reason women are always on the defensive. Yes I am very attracted to numerous women, but that doesn’t mean sexually and that my ultimate goal is to get into bed with them. I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years and would love to get together with an old friend or new acquaintance over a beer… with or without my girlfriend. I always invite her but if she doesn’t come with she completely trust me to not pursue a relationship. She is usually more worried when I go out with the guys. Honestly, women are much more interesting to hold a serious conversation with. Unfortunately, many people do agree with you Carlo which is why I have lost several female friends since they have been married. A sad example of jealousy these days.
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