Photo: h.koppdelaney

As I look down at my stomach, trying to determine how much ‘irreparable’ damage I’ve done, I think, “Well, at least it’s been a while.”

Quickly, though, I go into the story around “what I did to myself”. What did I do? I ate a pint of Ben&Jerry’s. Now, I know to some people, that would not necessitate the binge label, and in the past, I’ve consumed more. I get that saying it was a binge might actually piss someone off who binges in a larger way.

But ultimately, I uncontrollably ate a lot of a particular food that doesn’t feel good to my body. That ’something else’ took over, and as I drove away from dinner with a friend, I zeroed in on going to the grocery store and buying something bad. I waved as that friend pulled his car up beside me, him heading straight through the stoplight and me in the turning lane to the supermarket, blinking light in the direction of some self-destruction. I hoped he couldn’t see behind the fake smile plastered on my face.

From a physical standpoint (and of course, a health one), the outcome the next day ain’t pretty. I rarely consume dairy, which I am allergic to and inflames my body, so now I feel the tickle in my throat and experience the “ahem”s every few minutes because of the mucus I’ve got going on. My head also doesn’t want to seem to clear, but instead rests in a fog of sugar, milk, and self-pity.

Psychologically, I actually feel a hell of a lot better than I did yesterday, or the day before. And so here I am, holistic health educator extraordinaire (ahem), advocating that a binge can make you feel better.

Being Human

Yes, this diverges a bit from what you hear from most alternative health practitioners. Sugar, BAD. Alcohol, REALLY BAD. Eating away your feelings – YOU ARE A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING.

Photo: h.koppdelaney

Ok, they probably wouldn’t say that last one (out loud). But all I’ve ever seen in traditional health education (which, unfortunately, many alternative practitioners still fall into when it comes to their very black and white approaches) is how to use “healthy” techniques to deal with stress and/or pain. “Meditate when you feel out of control” – sure, that’ll make it all better. “Do some yoga or other stretches” to release that tension. Maybe have “one small square of dark chocolate” to deal with those cravings to shove your feelings down. Good luck with that.

Now, now, I’m not saying that any of these healthier ways of handling emotions are bad. In fact, I employed all of them over a two-day period (alright, I used organic dark chocolate syrup on coconut milk yogurt instead of just a piece of chocolate, friggin’ sue me). I meditated several times, and it helped. Some. Also jumped back on that yoga horse I seemed to have fallen off of several weeks ago. Fantastic. Still dealt with my lowest low last night, and so I decided wine and ice cream were in order.

I remember a time when I would feel so much guilt about dealing with my emotions through alcohol and sugar. And I’m certainly not recommending that this is a stellar approach. But you know what? Even when I knew how “bad” I was being when I’d go to the store and buy a box of gluten-free chocolate chip cookies and a pint of soy ice cream that I was pretty much gonna finish off, and felt so guilty about it from the moment my mind decided it was going to happen (usually hours beforehand), I STILL did it. Knowledge and guilt never stopped me. In fact, that guilt often set me off on several nights of binging, as I promised myself the next morning I wouldn’t do it again (sound familiar?) and would cleanse that day, only to repeat the cycle that evening or the next.

Darkness and Light

Nowadays, binges come few and far between. And yes, a lot of that has to do with a consistent meditation practice, getting enough movement in my life, and eating foods that keep my brain chemistry in check. My general outlook on life has improved tremendously over the last several years, mostly do to all the personal work I’ve done, including all those “healthy” techniques. Yes, I recommend these techniques become a part of everyone’s life to improve their health and well-being.

Photo: jtravism

And, I will always have some darkness inside of me. It’s just part of who I am. Though I can agree with those who talk about shifting pain and anger into something creative and useful, I also know that I and you and whoever else reads this are only human.

Sometimes, I have to let that darkness come up and overtake me, cause guess what? It’s going to whether I like it or not. Fighting your shadow only aggravates the hell out of it. And on occasion, falling into the darkness includes using some self-care techniques that aren’t sanctioned by the FDA and Dr. Oz.

If I fell into a longer period of binging and not being able to come out of that darkness, then I certainly would seek help. Feeling it and falling into it is without a doubt a fine line. But I trust myself to properly assess that line, and I think the same is true for most people.

The real message I’m trying to get across here is that sometimes, it is the guilt of falling prey to our demons that keeps us in a cycle, rather than just allowing the process to happen and ride it out. I know this is not a simple answer for those who struggle deeply with hard-core addictions. Yet, somehow, pulling up a chair and kicking it with the demons often lessens their hold on us. We each have to figure out for ourselves how long we can hang with the demons if it seems like their hold is strengthening instead.

For the moment, I’ve put mine to bed.