Photo: Jason Clapp

I’m not sure I’m the most qualified person in the world to write this, considering I’m not sure that I have any answers. But I have ideas. And they are seriously different than the more accepted approaches out there.

Yep, I’m currently going through a break-up. The details are really not worth going into, other than to say beauty showed up for the two of us on a late September evening, and the twist into summer held changes we knew would arrive sooner rather than later. But there is no you-did-me-wrong, no blame for a loss of feelings. It is rather circumstantial that we have come to this place, and yet those circumstances make our reality. It is time.

Letting go of another person is never easy, even if one person has acted horribly to the other, or fiery love has fallen well below a simmer. Yet, I think we have an opportunity to make the transition out of a relationship with some semblance of the love we had in it.

I’m actually writing this in a moment of feeling hurt, slightly angry, and a bit like lashing out. I know this is a slippery slope, one I’m not inclined to go down, and yet one I can’t necessarily fight. But what I can choose to do is think about myself in the long-run: how will that hurt, anger, and lashing out affect me over time? Thinking about that makes me want to choose a different path.

A friend and I had a long email exchange last week about the ending of her good friend’s marriage, and how upset she was about the negative possibilities that were bound to arise – a refusal by one of them to accept the end, an ugly fight for the kid, a sickness that will be with the child for life, and therefore is bound to keep the ex-couple tied even deeper than usual. We lamented that society does nothing to set-up positive transitions out of relationships; that, in truth, it feeds the negative, with divorce lawyers giving advice to take the kids and/or money and run, and media/bosses/self-help books demanding you buck up, get over it quick, and throw yourself into work.

From this ‘reality’, I think it’s time to evolve and establish a different one. I want to look at the positive possibilities, ones that make me feel stronger, not weaker or broken. I would never imply these ideas will make things easier, but they might keep your heart from shutting.

1. Surrender.

Yeah, I’m not a “God” person – too much baggage from being raised Catholic. And usually, when you hear about “surrendering”, it has a religious connotation.

Photo: Reinis Traidas

But I am a “Universe” person. From that place, I believe there is a path each of us is on to make ourselves stronger, deeper, better people, and that there is a purpose to this life. I’ve not always believed this fully, and let me tell you what a difference it makes to flex this belief-muscle in a time of true hardship.

Always spending quality time in my mind, I can go back and forth like a mofo on what the “right” decision is for me. Yet it is only when I work on surrendering (not an easy thing to do, I know) to the will of the universe, and trusting that this ‘will’ will provide the best outcome for me, that I can breathe deep and release my anxieties about the situation. And those anxieties aren’t just the ones about him, but the ones for myself – the “where do I go from here?” and “what does this say about me?” and my favorite, “why am I all alone?” ones.

I can even tap into moments of excitement for what the future holds. When I lacked faith in the universe, endings only brought pain.

My current mantra: “I will the will of the Universe.”

2. Get in touch with your higher self.

Most of the anger and hurt I’m feeling right now is based on feeling he no longer wants me. Although I know this “truth” isn’t really true, and that I believe as much as he does that it is time to move on, my old stories of not being enough are rising like a tidal wave to the surface. Of course, I also perpetuate this notion by believing in it.

It’s not that I shouldn’t be having these feelings, but rather to sit back and see them for what they are – distractions, ways of holding onto the situation, and when it comes down to it, issues I have with myself. So to connect to my soul, I can breathe a sigh of relief: I’m ok, he’s ok, and ending doesn’t mean I am not loved or that I can’t continue to give love, albeit in a different form.

3. Ritualize the closing of the relationship.

Photo: Trilok Rangan

We put so much time and effort into starting a relationship and being in a relationship, and then we try and cut out of one as soon as it ends, or drag out the remnants in some f-d up homage to the American dream of hard work will get you everywhere. What about noting the end (and I realize that not all people reach the “end” at the same time, but if we are more truthful with ourselves, I bet this would happen more often) and working with it?

He and I have a plan for a “closure” weekend. Although there is bound to be some pain involved, I’m really looking forward to the first time I’ve ever had real closure in a relationship. It’s something I’ve dreamed about doing years later with ex’s that I still carried a torch for. There is true power in releasing the energy of your bond and not looking back with regret.

Couple of ideas that he and I have talked about, but it’s just as valid to create your own:

• Gather loving emails (for us, we often made lists of our favorite memories from time spent together), read them, and then burn them
• “Letting-go” spells
• A long hike where all those remaining issues are discussed as lovingly as possible, leaving them to the mountains (or ocean, or park)
• Asking specific ancestors/spirits for guidance and help
• Reading lists of what each of person cherishes about the other, and what each of you hopes for the other’s future

4. Consult runes, tarot cards, ancestors, or other divine energy.

I’ve been using my runesjust about every day since he and I decided to take a break to reassess our relationship. For me, they are literally the pathway to my intuition and knowing. They don’t always give me the answers I want to hear – for example, last week they were clearly saying it was time to let go of this relationship. Even though part of me fought that truth, working with them daily chipped away at my resistance and got me into that surrender place.

I know I’m not the only one who flips back and forth on what I want – I’m watching a close friend go through a similar process in determining whether or not she should end her relationship. Our minds are wonderful things AND they can cause us a hell of a lot of pain. Getting guidance from an “outside” source, one that is not actually outside of you, but simply deep within you, beneath the ego and the personality and even this human body, will eventually calm that mind into some form of contentedness and submission. Even if it never gets 100% on board.

I also followed a meditation last week about calling energy back to myself. After I finished, it was the first moment I realized I was ready to start letting go of him.

5. Write about it.

Man, I used to hate when people would tell me to do this. And I’m a writer, for chrissakes. I never wanted to go through the emotional rollercoaster that I felt writing about my anguish around a break-up would entail. Instead, I apparently was fine with that rollercoaster taking me for a never-ending ride in my head.

Writing this has taken me through some of those emotions I had yet to touch because I wasn’t sure I had the strength to touch them. For you, writing about it might mean some relief for your heart, because the painful energy has a chance to pass from internal to external.

6. Cry whenever you need to.

He and I just finished an email exchange that cemented the end: our plans for the closure weekend. Although my heart had already in a way accepted this ending, as I sat at the front of a cafe finishing my tea, tears still slid down my cheek. Not so much tears of wanting it to continue, but just from the loss.

Photo: Tiagø Ribeiro

Breaking up is like a death – your relationship will never be the same again, even if you can muster the ability to remain friends. There’s no more calls when you scored an interview with that author he loves, or little texts just saying, “I’m thinking of you.” You have to let go of those plans to check out that hostel together where you sleep in a treehouse and pick blueberries, and there are no more “I love you”s. The body also has to let go of the physical closeness that created its own energetic draw. It’s painful.

That’s why it’s worth crying whenever the mood strikes. Yes, I’m in public, sitting underneath a tree on a little strip of grass in a bank parking lot, sobbing. But I know that this sobbing is allowing all that energy – the energy of “us” – to move through me, out into the air and earth.

7. Seek support from others.

This one is a given, and yet it comes with some responsibility. The wonderful thing about close friends is that they are there during the hard times to lend an ear, some advice, or to just hold you while you cry. But, I know it can be easy for me to fall into a cycle of replaying the same stuff over and over again, which really does stifle movement to the next phase.

That’s why it’s just as important to spend some time alone. Each of us has to figure out that balance.

Do you have a step to add to how to consciously shift out of a relationship? I’d love to hear it.

Share and Enjoy