Photo: TheeErin

I opened an email a couple of days ago only to learn yet another good friend separated from his wife. Add that to the long list of break-ups, break-downs, job losses, technological mishaps, and yes, even deaths that have occurred this summer. And that’s just to people I know personally.

It ain’t been an easy time.

Could be coincidence. Might be the ebb part of ebb and flow. Some chalk it up to the fact that, you know, the end of the world is nigh. If you tap into astrology in just the least, you’ve probably heard about the “grand cross” of planets that began in June and lasts pretty much until the end of August, which basically came to f-ck s-it up. And oh, has it.

I think that no matter the reason that pain seems to reverberating around our planet, from oil spills to melting glaciers to watching Naomi Campbell act as if the little “dirty pebbles” she received as a gift weren’t blood diamonds, there is only one answer: love.

It may be hard to see love as the answer, especially in situations where people are being murdered for a nice, shiny rock, or your partner has stood up after 10 years and said, “I just don’t love you anymore.” But, that, in fact, is all you can feed it. Sure, get your anger out by chucking large, breakable objects at pictures of previously mentioned partner’s head (not their real ones), or cry uncontrollably until your nose bleeds all over the place (to my friend that this happened to, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself). Take a day, or 12, off.

My last couple of days have gotten me nowhere, pretty much, and I lounge in the guilt of that. Thing is, there’s a reason that I feel listless, unmotivated, and really can’t seem to get anything done. And to try and push myself out of it in a non-loving way just gets me deeper in the hole.

Level Up

Photo: blmurch

I guess shaky is the word I’d use to describe my inner landscape right at the moment. It’s based on both my own life musings and the energy I take in from so many others that are experiencing sadness. I’m not on my A game, for myself, or for others. I’m not quite sure I’m living up to all of my bargains. Kinda makes me feel shitty about being me.

But ultimately, patience and love will get me back to my usual self. And, hopefully up a level.

What level am I referring to? Well, I was reminded recently by a friend of an image I used to depend on a lot more – the spiral. At some point in my holistic health program, a professor taught us about how the spiral can be used as a metaphor for life and its problems (really, our own issues).

See, if you can buy the story that we each have a core wound that we either came into this life with, or that occurred in our childhood, then that wound is not easily healed in one fell swoop. There are many layers to that wound – maybe you were made fun of as a kid for wearing 1960′s hand-me-downs in the jean-pegged world of the 80s and still harbor resentment or embarrassment about it. Or maybe you were moved around a lot by your parents, like me, who became more shy, and less comfortable in her own skin, with every move. Or you might have been physically or sexually abused.

No matter how “simple”or “extreme” the case, it is the impact of the situation, not the situation itself, that imprints on our psyche.

I remember saying more than once (and I’m sure some of my friends have wanted to knock me upside the head more than twice about it) that once I determined what my core wound was, voila! I’d be as healed and happy as I look like on Facebook. I just had…to…get…there.

First, it was through my body. Once I had that flat stomach and lean thighs, I’d be so f-in happy. My issue was my body, and the answer was getting skinny, damnit! Then all the men would come running, I’d pick the best, we’d fall madly in love, and then done and done. Life’s set.

‘K, that didn’t work. I couldn’t ever seem to get the body I wanted, even when I was vegan and 105 pounds (which by the way, I look back at pictures and think “sallow eyes and um…HORRIBLE”). And the guys didn’t come running. Nope, no one fighting over me. Hmpf.

So then I thought, I gotta focus on my health. My health is struggling (uh, the whole vegan thing, but I didn’t believe that at the time) and I just needed to eat the perfect diet and cleanse, cleanse, cleanse and THAT will bring me to a perfect state of well-being. This believing I’m not worthy enough crap would be gone, like magic.

Yeah, you can guess, or you already know, how that went.

It took me a long time to get that the answers don’t come easily, that the wound is never neatly mended, that the outer physical work wouldn’t change what was going on inside, that (yeah, here it comes) loving myself is what would bring love to me, and nothing else. But I also realized it wasn’t about just learning these lessons once – that ultimately, I would be taught them again and again for the rest of my life.

Wounds in Deep

The thing about most deep wounds is they never fully go away. Just check out that scar on your ankle, or that pockmark on your forehead from where you picked at a scab when you were ten.

Photo: SuperFantastic

The scars remain as reminders of going through a battle, one that has made you stronger, more resilient, and less susceptible to being taken down by the same thing again.

And yet, you could be hit by chicken pox again in the form of shingles. You could also find yourself with a man who verbally abuses you like your dad did, or find yourself obsessed with porn because you grew up in a sexually-stifled religious household. Maybe that 8 o’clock cocktail is the only thing that gets you through your work day (since you don’t get off work until then), mostly because you’re working a job just to be considered successful by your family, friends, and general society. The list goes on here, people.

You can’t just snap your fingers and make it all better when you figure out, “Oh, I have body image issues because my mom always focused on how big her stomach was, made comments about putting me on a diet starting when I was 8, and I live in a society that perpetuates every single day that a normal-sized woman’s body is fat. OHHHH.” Partly because, that’s not all it is. The body image issues are a more obvious cover, you might say, for deeper pain that’s trying it’s best to hide itself. It doesn’t want to surface partly as a protection mechanism – it’s not sure you would survive the intense shock of the truth.

And this is where the spiral comes into play. Every time you get close to that wound, all the self-doubt leaps up, all the reasons you are bad, or wrong, or worthless, or pathetic spring to the forefront of consciousness, and you have to deal with that onslaught (which, nonetheless, is determined by the unconscious to be less painful than a direct hit on that wound). And man, can it hurt, really f-in bad.

But you deal with it. Another layer is shed, your resolve is stronger, your determination to live and love life is greater. You are circling up the spiral – you see the light of day. You wonder but for a moment how the hell you were pulled so far down in the dumps, and say c’est la vie. Life is moving and shaking again.

Spiraling Up

Beware, though. You did some work, some deep work, and real shifts occurred. If you can imagine the “issue” making its way up the spiral, it is now at the point on the opposite side of that heavy place, leaving you feel refreshed and renewed.

Photo: Adam_T4

But it will eventually make its way back around to that ugly point. Damn. Here’s what’s key to remember: the wound has shown back up on a higher level in the spiral. So even though you may shake your head in frustration – “this again? But what about all that work/suffering/pain I went through last time to get over it?” – know that it now has a distinctly different flavor, and what you learned the last time will be put into use. There’s a purpose to the pain.

Just give it/you/the soul some love. Love it up.

There’s something about accepting the fact that your core wound will never fully be healed in this life, but that the process of healing it will show you more beauty, and give you more compassion for humanity, than anything else. If you work on that acceptance, then even the “down” times have more the feel of flow to them – you’re not fighting against what is. Remember, moments of pain give insight that you would otherwise miss. Sitting with anguish can be profound.

And feeling deep love for yourself and all your little flaws help with love those outside of you with all their (much bigger, of course) flaws.

I log on to Facebook only to see an old friend just got engaged. Another who hasn’t been in a relationship in a very long time suddenly is. The wheels of life keep on turning, with pain, anguish, happiness and joy threaded through the rubber.

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