Photo: h.koppdelaney

Ever feel like there’s an unwanted part of you that is making decisions that is against your better self? A part that makes choices based from fear rather than from your own spiritual, and cerebral intellect?

Ever feel like it’s just NOT YOU who is in control of YOU? Through my developed awareness practice, understanding of consciousness (and unconsciousness), and wisdom of working with the body’s bacterial landscape, I discovered a phenomenon that I was fortunate enough to experience.

I have always understood the value of a person’s consciousness or Spirit (as defined in Traditional Chinese Medicine as that which expresses the life of an organism) in being a key element to a person’s health. The Spirit guides us, animates us, enkindles us, and gives us true satisfaction and passion in life. It is what is worth living for.

I have noticed within clients and individuals who have weak Spirits that something takes over them, not just behaviour, but physically as well. It’s as if the person begins ‘breaking down’ much like a plant does when taken out of sunlight. Self-destructive behavior within a person seems to manifest physical self-destructive organisms such as parasites.

I refer to parasites as any unwelcome organism that feeds on us, which includes Candida – a modern day epidemic which is increasingly gaining awareness and importance. I have found that improving one’s Spirit greatly decreases parasites, akin to killing mold by exposing it to sunshine.

When the Spirit is strong, there is no opportunity for parasites to thrive, self-honouring behaviour is apparent and no self-destructive habits, or organisms exist. Very simply, there is no struggle within, and joy, harmony, and ease can all be experienced.

Downward Spiral

Leading up to last Christmas, I felt the brightness of my Spirit wane, bad habits escalate, fear and worry develop, more sweets in my mouth, and consequently, the tell tale signs of parasitic infection: itchiness, cloudiness, feeling down, congestion, and sluggishness (very seriously, I see MANY people suffer from these ‘normal’, every day symptoms).

Photo: Leonid Mamchenkov

I had quite an infection while living in Japan several years ago, and couldn’t help but wonder if I just hadn’t fully shaken it yet, and if it just comes out when my Spirit is low. I struggled to get rid of it with a restrictive diet, strong medicinal herbs, and even clearing the energy of my house by burning some dried sage I saved from my garden.

Frustrated with minimal progress and the strong resistance of some other behaviour at work, I was blessed with Divine timing when I met an incredible healer in the first week of January. She’s earned a PhD in esoteric medicine, is a Doctor of Acupuncture and adept Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner, and the area’s finest past-life worker and energy healer. In one visit, the health of my being took a complete 180.

Without her knowing of my possible lingering parasites from Japan, she immediately told me that I had lingering entities from Japan that I had attracted and not shaken off. Being a ‘bright light’ spiritually meant an attraction from other non-physical entities that have simply been hanging around with me for years. I was astonished, but it made sense. She dismissed them and told them to go away – I felt it.

She also did a treatment on me to bring back my full Spirit. I felt that, very shockingly. I just simply came back – all my power and ‘being’ finally came back to me. Incredibly, from that day forward, I have not dealt with any parasite symptoms. They’re simply gone. My behaviour is clear, fear has diminished, I feel in control, present, strong and alive. Like the classic Greek definition of ‘parasite’, there is NO longer ’someone else eating at my table’.

True Collective Consciousness

Photo: h.koppdelaney

Knowing that any organism can posses a consciousness, and that we have 10 times more bacterial cells than human tissue cells, I realized that we are the collective consciousness of all these combined consciousnesses within us. If the hosts within us are against us (in the case of a parasite) then the entities/consciousnesses they host could very well be against us too.

This is probable, and felt this in my life before my work with this incredible healer. As though ‘it wasn’t me’ making decisions and feeling unnecessary worry that couldn’t be explained. A simple example is knowing that the parasite in me was choosing to eat sweets that I otherwise would not.

I consulted my mentor Paul Pitchford, author of Healing With Whole Foods,and his words gave me reassurance and greater perspective of the phenomenon:

Parasites in the ancient times were called “demons”… they work in tandem with each other and when you get thousands of one species in your body, then their pooled consciousness actually becomes quite potent and acts like a rather evolved entity.

When your spirit is strong, then your consciousness is strong and it isn’t as easily influenced by demonic influences. But when you’re weak, then the bad influences can ruin your life. Always keep the spirit strong and always nurture the yin [the physical health of your own organism].

Amazing. Since parasites and candida are a modern epidemic, wouldn’t it be incredible if the antidote to all this suffering (of the physical symptoms, but also the fear and destructive habits/behaviour that the modern person is plagued with) was simply to acknowledge and strengthen the Spirit within ourselves by letting our true selves shine? I have seen this at work in my practice, but hadn’t known the true depth behind it.

To follow the Spirit is a great task however, and a whole other topic, but the take-away message on that lesson from my own recent experience is to simply honour yourself, consequently surrendering the ego to the will of the Spirit that resides within us.

From a physical perspective – abstaining from sweet/sugary foods prohibits the growth of unwanted organisms, and there are many protocols to destroy and prevent them. But considering the recent explorations in parasite/consciousness connections, this all needs to be taken into account with the health of the Spirit.

Photo: Nikki L.

Challenging symptoms: sugar & caffeine cravings, brief headaches, brief muscle cramps, two exhaustion crashes.

Beneficial results: Relaxation, reduction in anxiety & stress, increased energy, improved skin, balanced blood sugar and relief from cravings. Lost five pounds in the first week.

Adherence to the Diet: Excellent, except for some accidentally ingested banana bread batter.

In my experience, there are two groups of people who really, truly love to talk enthusiastically about their bowel functions for hours on end: preschoolers, and people doing a detox cleanse. While I’ve never had an amazing must-tell-the-world experience in this arena, I do agree that if you’re going to do a cleanse, you need to be able to talk poo with your doctor (if no one else).

Think of it like the scoreboard at a baseball stadium, in a game of you versus the undesirables. If you don’t keep an eye on your stats, you won’t play your best game.

So all that is to say that in checking the scoreboard this week, I noticed my fiber mixwasn’t having much of an effect. Drinking it left me feeling a little nauseous at times, and then one morning I felt some cramps and general malaise. I’ve had occasional cleanse cramps and nausea, but this felt “off” enough that – given the scoreboard – I thought we might need to pull the pitcher, so to speak.

The fiber I was using has inulin and stevia in it; both of those have given me digestive problems and headaches in the past. Many fiber drink mixes have flavors and sweeteners; the capsules usually don’t. PaleoFiber is available without flavor or sweetener, but the one I happened to have was tasty berry flavor.

My doctor gave me ground slippery elm bark to use instead. I prefer simple plant-based supplements to highly technical powdered mixes anyway, so this fit the bill. Once I got past the idea of guzzling tree bark, all was well – it has a pleasant, sweet taste. The scoreboard reflected my success! My husband is using my leftover PaleoFiber now, with great success. What works for one person may not work for another.

Approach and Outcome

This is the fourth cleanse I’ve done in the past three years. Each time, it requires less mental preparation and logistical effort. I go into it feeling more prepared and enthusiastic about the results I know I will get – my skin improves, my stamina increases, and the focus on eating a limited variety of food actually relieves the stress of constant choices and decisions.

I’ve also had better success the more times I cleanse. Let’s be honest – the first cleanse, I ate chocolate in week one, and fast food several times during week three. I don’t recommend that.

Even though it gets easier, each time around there are new experiences, new results and new challenges. The more I do it, the better I know what to expect from myself, which is a good foundation for any challenging endeavor. Although I may not stick to the diet or even make significant changes immediately to my long term diet, the cleanse has a lasting mental effect. Feeling that good for three weeks makes you think. It makes you more aware of the food choices you make, and more attentive to the results of your choices.

Photo: (= dana <3 J.M =)

Having said that, the first several days of this cleanse were an immediate challenge. I was craving sweets all day, just wanting to be eating something, as this is what I have gotten into the habit of doing in the past six months. I work from my home office, and graze all day. I usually have nuts, chocolate, chips, fruit, or cheese and crackers on hand, and a cup or two of tea or coffee. During the cleanse, my desk has been devoid of food or beverage. I go to the kitchen to eat.

I was ridiculously excited about my first morning snack! A boiled egg never looked, smelled, felt or tasted so good. I ate it with a sliced up apple, and wow, was I in heaven.

I only felt true hunger pangs a few times those first few days. More often I just felt a compulsive need to be putting something in my body. I had to keep distracting myself so as not to think about it. I had plenty of work all week, so that wasn’t hard. I did not cave!

By the time day four rolled around, the cravings were gone. My blood sugar evened out like warm bay waters at sunset. That felt GOOD.

The Unfortunate Incident

Then there was the banana bread incident. My last cleanse, I ramped up my steely determination to bake chocolate chip cookies without ingesting a single chip. I did it quite successfully, and hence thought I could do something similar during this cleanse. I was like an accomplished athlete going into a game a little too confident.

Photo: Or Hiltch

My son and I made gluten-free sugar cookies and banana bread for a school brunch. After putting the bread in the oven, he and I did our usual job of licking the beaters and scraping out the bowl. Oops! I didn’t even realize what I’d done until I went to make my shake about twenty minutes later. I was so comfortable with the baking idea, I wasn’t careful enough to bypass our usual ritual of licking the beaters. I had a bit of a headache that night, which may or may not have been related.

It really is a challenge to prepare food you can’t eat, or even taste, during a cleanse. I know a lot of parents think about this as they consider cleansing – they’ll still need to cook the usual fare for everyone else. It’s hard!

Last but not least, here’s the report on the shake mix I’m using: it veers a little toward the chalky and grainy side, as do many products made with processed rice. I did not help the situation by adding veggie broth for the liquid and a half-banana in hopes of improving the texture. Savory banana–not a winning flavor! I’ve had better success adding more flavor to cover the broth – equal parts spinach and cherries are my favorite combination. Spinach adds a nice texture to the shake, and the taste is surprisingly subtle while the nutritional benefits are great. Blueberries work well too.

The good news regarding the shake is that it leaves me feeling awesome! It’s very filling, and I feel great for hours after drinking it. It’s working better for my body than the food-based shakeI used in the last three cleanses (although the Standard Process shake tastes better).

In summary, I feel so much better after seven days of cleansing I am honestly amazed. I didn’t think I was feeling that bad when I started, but I’ve since realized how much general stress and anxiety I was living with, along with constant sugar & caffeine cravings. I do some stress-relief practices while I cleanse, which enhance my results – more on that next week.

For now, I feel energized! I have had a bit of trouble getting to sleep the last two nights, not feeling tired when I go to bed. But when I wake up, I’m in a positive mood, well rested, and ready to face the day. That’s a fabulous improvement.

On the Agenda for Next Week: More information on non-dietary parts of my cleanse routine, an appointment with my Ayurvedic practitioner, and a birthday celebration in wine country!

View the first installment of Kendra’s spring cleansing process in Special Detox Series: Spring Cleansing in Action.

Disclaimer: Kendra Mellinger is not a healthcare professional, and therefore does not prescribe or recommend any treatment for disease or health concerns. Any cleansing program should only be done under the supervision of an experienced healthcare practitioner.

Photo: DeusXFlorida

Listen Closely. I want to let you in on a big and very well kept health secret. Ready? Here it is. The active and deliberate pursuit of pleasure – and the ability to receive it – are essential ingredients in creating and maintaining optimal health. Please read that again. And take a moment to remember the last time you really soaked in something pleasurable.

I know, I know. You think you’re too busy to experience pleasure. Or maybe the thought of pursuing pleasure as an important goal makes you feel guilty (the term guilty pleasure comes to mind immediately, right?). Here’s the deal: most of us were brought up to believe the “no pain, no gain” theory of health. Me, too. It’s ingrained in our culture.

Last year I went to a Blue Angels air show at the Brunswick Naval Air Station. A Marine walked by me with the following message emblazoned on his T-shirt: “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” The subtext of this sentiment is that anything pleasurable is suspect and probably won’t get you anywhere. The “no pain, no gain” approach has its place.

We are all capable of far more than we think we are. And there’s nothing like a crisis to bring out the best in human nature. We all remember the teacher who refused to accept less than our best and therefore helped bring it out of us.

But there has to be a balance. Too much “no pain, no gain” without the much-needed presence of pleasure is a setup for disease and addiction – pure and simple. Here’s why: we are pleasure-seeking creatures by Divine design. Just watch a bunch of little kids playing and you’ll see the truth of this. Our organs work better when we’re happily pursuing pleasurable activities – or thinking pleasurable thoughts.

The Purpose of Pleasure

Pleasure is not only associated with better blood flow throughout the body, it’s also associated with higher levels of the neurotransmitter beta-endorphin – a naturally occurring morphine-like substance that dulls pain and induces a feeling of euphoria. Prolactin is another neurotransmitter that is also associated with pleasure. Like beta-endorphin, this natural substance is enhanced during pleasurable social interactions, while breastfeeding, and also during lovemaking.

Photo: juliejordanscott

When we follow a stressful lifestyle that’s devoid of regular pleasure, blood flow gets restricted throughout the brain and body – and our beta-endorphin and other neurotransmitter levels plummet. We’re left feeling depressed, sad, angry, or irritable as a result. So what do we do to get those levels back up fast? We reach for the quick fix of sugar, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, or drugs (and we justify this behavior by telling ourselves we “deserve” that hot fudge sundae because we’ve worked so hard).

Imbibing the sugar, or alcohol, or nicotine does make us feel better for a short time by balancing our brain chemistry. The problem is that over time, the body requires more and more of these substances to give us the same “high.” And that’s how addiction and disease begins.

The bottom line is this: You cannot create the healthy sustainable beta-endorphin and blood flow levels that are associated with optimal health solely by taking mood-altering substances. The only way to achieve a feeling of optimal well-being within your body is by including regular doses of pleasure in your day-to-day life!

Here’s my step-by-step program to enhance your health through pleasure:

Step One: Make a commitment to your pleasure.

Understand that all sustainable pleasure requires discipline, courage, and practice. Why? Because we live in a pleasure-starved culture that worships pain and suffering. Some people even believe that suffering is holy. And nearly every one of us has been led to believe that suffering and martyrdom actually buys us something – that somehow it makes us better people.

No one leaves our planet without some pain and suffering. That’s for sure. But making pain and suffering a way of life – and being proud of it – does nothing but cause more pain and suffering. This has been called indulging in “negative pleasure.” Here’s an example: Have you ever worked in a job where everyone brags about how much work they have to do or how busy they are? Have you ever found yourself trying to “up” the ante of suffering by saying something like “You think you’ve got it bad? Listen to what happened to me. Last week my car broke down, I had to walk to work, and I still put in 12 hours?”

Follow your bliss
Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

If you want more happiness and enjoyment in your life, you have to catch yourself indulging in “negative pleasure” and stop.

Step Two: Name your bliss and follow it.

To know sustainable pleasure, you must know what you desire – what lights you up! And you must also learn to trust those desires. I believe that our souls speak to us through our desires, and that we discover our unique gifts and talents only by allowing ourselves to follow our bliss.

After all, desire is what created our bodies in the first place. We were conceived with an orgasm – the entire universe started with a big bang.

Articulating your specific desires and then manifesting them uplifts the entire planet. Get as specific as possible. Make a list. Do you like sexy, red underwear? Then go get some. And wear it regularly. Do you like to begin your morning quietly with a cup of coffee and a little inspirational reading? Then get up five minutes earlier to indulge in this pleasure. Do you love massage? Make sure you get a massage at least once a month. And if you can’t afford it, exchange a back rub or foot rub with your spouse or a good friend on a regular basis. To add more pleasure to your life, write down a list of your desires. Have fun thinking about everything you like.

In his wonderful book The Power of Pleasure,Dr. Douglas Weiss points out that everyone has a unique pleasure blueprint – a specific way in which they experience pleasure.

Photo: spaceamoeba

For some, pleasure comes through thrill seeking. They adore fast cars and extreme sports. Life just isn’t fun without indulging this pleasure zone regularly. For others, gardening and digging in dirt is a primary pleasure zone. Others experience pleasure through service.

One of my primary pleasure zones is taking a hot bath each evening. Whenever I travel, I insist on staying in a place that has a tub. I also love going to movies in theaters where I can get lost in the experience (and I’m not distracted by the phone or the lure of “multi-tasking,” which happens when I watch movies at home).

Step Three: Schedule pleasure into your life with the same regularity as you would brushing your teeth.

Married couples who hire a babysitter and have regular “dates” each week, for example, find far more joy and pleasure in their relationship than couples who don’t take the time to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company.

Step Four: Pleasure begins with your thoughts. Pay attention to them.

Change the ones that aren’t pleasurable the minute you notice them (remember, this is a discipline that takes practice). Here’s why this is so important. Thought plus emotion equals belief. Your beliefs are what create your reality and your state of health. Beliefs, which are felt primarily in the heart, transmute the invisible realm of spirit into the particles that make up matter.

Every thought you think creates a specific biochemical reaction in your body and also attracts specific events into your life. And guess what? When human DNA (that’s been isolated) is in the presence of positive emotions it begins to relax and unwind. Then it begins to create another molecule that is, itself, conceived in pleasure, appreciation, and love.

Try out this thought: “I am a highly desirable, sexy woman.”

How does that thought feel in your body? Good, right?

Now contrast how that feels with this thought: “I am a middle-aged woman whose best years are behind her. It’s too late for me to feel sexy or happy.”

Which thought is associated with better blood flow and more “feel good” chemicals? I’m sure you know it’s the first.

Your power to live a pleasurable, prosperous life lies in your willingness to focus your attention on thoughts, people, places, and events that are joyful, fun, sexy, and uplifting.

Step Five: Expect resistance.

The minute you decide to bring more pleasure and joy into your life, resistance will show up. Expect this. It’s a good sign!

When grief or sadness shows up, feel them for a bit and then do something pleasurable. Call a friend, watch a good movie, or get out and take a walk. You want to do something to move energy, something that feels better.

To create more pleasure in your life, you actually have to feel pleasure of some kind. Stop right now. Caress your hand with your other hand in a way that feels pleasurable. There. You’ve done it. You’ve created pleasure. Now do your feet. If you want to take it higher, put on some great music and dance around the room. That automatically increases pleasure – and also helps prevent cardiovascular disease and can burn fat!

Grieve your losses and let go regularly. You have to feel it to heal it. Every loss that isn’t grieved fully stays with us. Time doesn’t heal these losses. They wait for us to feel them and release them. We don’t get over them until we really grieve.

Anger is often a cover-up for loss and grief. It’s easier to be angry with someone or at someone than to feel sadness.

When we really grieve, forgive, and let go, we begin to recover who we really are. And then the miracle happens: more light comes into our lives than we could ever have imagined before. And we’re able to feel even more pleasure.

Step Six: Spread pleasure around and you’ll receive even more.

One of the most meaningful and Divinely pleasurable things I’ve done in the past year is both teach at and participate in Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City. My daughters have joined me in this transformational work, which my sister-in-law calls “personal growth on steroids for women.”

Photo: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Mama Gena (aka Regena Thomashauer) has created a curriculum that teaches women how to use pleasure to transform the world. We all know the old adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Well, the opposite is also true. When women are happy, everyone is uplifted and happy!

One of the core concepts of the School of Womanly Arts is the amazing power of women to uplift and approve of each other (you won’t find any backbiting or jealous put-downs there). As a result of my experiences at Mama Gena’s, I now realize the incredible value of openly appreciating another woman (or man).

So when I see something about a woman (or man) that is pleasing to me – I tell them! If I see a woman waiting in line or walking down the street and her dress or her hair or her jewelry is pleasing to me, I let her know. I make every effort to reward beauty and pleasure wherever I see it, because I know what I pay attention to expands. The same goes for men and children. The more pleasure you spread around, the more you feel yourself.

Final Thoughts

Here’s my final advice on pleasure: You were issued one body when you were conceived. It’s your duty to attend to this particular portion of living matter in a way that uplifts, celebrates, and comforts it. But it’s not your job to figure out how to do this for anyone except yourself. What a relief! Now can’t you just feel your beta-endorphin levels rising – and your blood flow increasing just from that thought alone?

When you take care of yourself with pleasure, your influence creates a standing wave of joy and pleasure that goes out from you and affects all living things on this planet. The world is depending upon your happiness, your joy, your pleasure. You have nothing to lose by following your bliss except your suffering. And when your own suffering decreases, the suffering of the whole world lessens. You’ll probably lose a few extra pounds, too!

This information is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease. 
All material in this article is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise, or other health program.

© Christiane Northrup, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Photo: Mr Wabu

Punxsutawney Phil may have foretold “six more weeks of winter” February second, but in the San Francisco Bay Area, spring is always alive and kicking by mid-February.

Bougainvilleas are one among many blooms, dotting green and fragrant hills. People’s thoughts turn to gardening, spring training and flip flop fashion. My own sign of spring fever? I start scanning the calendar for an optimal three-week chunk of time in which to do a detox cleanse.

Cleansing may not sound so romantic, but for me, it’s become as much a part of seasonal festivities as pink hearts and green clovers. It’s an internal spring cleaning of sorts – a chance to physically let go of last year’s toxins and clear the digestive slate for a new year. It’s also a good way to lose a few pounds, if you’re interested.

Cleaning Up the Details

Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

This will be the fourth cleanse I’ve done in recent history, and I’m documenting the experience here over the course of the next few weeks. My hope is to introduce the process to people who have never cleansed, maybe draw some advice from cleansing veterans, and have a little fun in the process.

It also never hurts to have some added accountability – so thank you for reading, and I hope you find something that inspires you toward your own spring fever!

The system of products bought for a cleanse usually includes a shake mix, cleansing herbs, and a fiber source. Preparation also requires choosing a specific diet to follow for a set amount of time.

Many cleanse programs available today include specific dietary recommendations, ranging from minimal caloric intake to a more substantial diet. My daily plan allows for two 4-oz portions of lean meat, unlimited fresh organic vegetables, unlimited fresh organic fruit (although the fruit/veggie ratio needs to be 1:2), 1 serving of brown rice and 1-2 eggs. Two to three protein shakes a day and two doses of fiber drink round out the program.

Before I begin, I always schedule an appointment with my Naturopathic doctor to get a check-up, talk over goals and concerns, and flesh out a game plan.

One more detail that will differentiate this three-week cleanse from previous experiences: I’m following it up with a 28-day elimination diet.This is a diet I’ve been eying for over a year now, wanting to get a better handle on exactly what foods work and don’t work for me, and feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the whole thought of it.

Doing it directly after a cleanse makes all the sense in the world, from a purely logical standpoint. Psychologically? It may be psycho. We’ll see.

For the record, I’m not pledging to change my diet forever based on what I learn from the elimination diet; it’ll just be good to know. In any case, I hope you’ll wish me courage and an intrepid sense of humor.

I look forward to reading your comments and responding to your questions!

Check back every Tuesday for the next few weeks to find out how the cleansing process is working for Kendra.

Disclaimer: Kendra Mellinger is not a healthcare professional, and therefore does not prescribe or recommend any treatment for disease or health concerns. Any cleansing program should only be done under the supervision of an experienced healthcare practitioner.

Dyed cancer cells / Photo: GE Healthcare

Tubes. I will never get used to the tubes. Not in the beginning, not ever.

Tubes into his nose, tubes into his mouth. Tubes taped to his arm, disappearing into his wrists. Tubes for food and nutrients, tubes for medicine and morphine, tubes for oxygen. Something beside his bed keeps going beep beep beep and fluid trickles from under his gown each time. Jesus. beep beep beep. And tubes that are shoved into his dick and go beep beep beep each time a little piss passes through.

Do I really need that? Is that necessary? Who’s fucking idea was it to have the tube crammed into my dads urethra? beep. Not a situation I want sound effects for. The beep screams ”your dad is hooked up to a machine, a machine that pisses for him! Shall I remind you of that fact over and over?”

Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

beep

happpynormal

scary

“Ok, I love you. Ok ok, we will see you real soon, alright? Rest up, love you.”

He says “help your mom.” Just like that – “help your mom.” Something is crashing down, but it is crashing slowly and I don’t know what it is yet. But plaster shakes loose from the vaulted ceiling of my being when he says ‘help your mom.’ Like a monster still too far away to see has taken a step in my direction.

I will, don’t worry.

“She needs you guys, help her while I’m in here.”

I wonder how much of him is buried under the protective blanket of morphine. I wonder how much of his brain they took. His eyes swim in and out of focus, he is fading.

In the hallway the open spaces seem immense, swelling and stretching. My head looses all its weight and a riot of black sparks dance into my vision. I take a breath and almost choke on it. I was not breathing in there. I was holding my breath. I didn’t notice.

The world is slipping and my feet find their place on their own. I have my arm around Dustin and he doesn’t know I’m passing out. He soldiers somberly down the corridor. My head bristles like a waking limb and light comes back into the world. The hallway snapped back to its usual size and I walked on with my brother.

I think I acted the way I was supposed to. Happy and Normal. I didn’t know then that pain and dread and senseless hope are my new normal. I didn’t know you can be happiest when you are full of despair. The less you have to be happy about the easier it is to be happy for the small things, like 5 minutes of silence and honest eye contact. The iodine was that putrid, hateful brown. His eyes struggled through fatigue and morphine, he said he loved me. I remember that.

Read parts I and II of A Memory of Cancer. Reprinted with permission.

Yep, I’m a huge proponent of sleep. I’m not joking – two nights in a row of only six or seven hours of the zzz’s leaves Christine a very broken, and more than willing to break something over your head, person.

I’m more of a 8-to-9er. Caffeine only breaks my adrenals down further when I haven’t gotten enough sleep, so never mind trying to get good work outta me if my head didn’t stay on that pillow from 11pm-7:30am. That’s part of what this new wave feminism argument is getting at: women can work smarter if they get enough sleep, instead of working longer hours in order to fit into the ever elusive Boy’s Club.

Ok, I can dig it. But Naomi Wolf, one of my favorite female voices of reason, makes a darn good point:

The pair [Arianna Huffington and Cindi Leive] make a persuasive case that female exhaustion is undermining women’s creativity, judgment, and relationships. If we sleep more, they argue, women will become more powerful…[but] shouldn’t there also be voices calling for us simply to do less?

Oh, and how I continue to love her so – she GETS it:

At these [high-powered] luncheons, there is not a woman who is not sensational-looking — in a very labour-intensive way. Heads of corporations, political leaders and innovators are usually in attendance: their hair spectacularly highlighted (that’s three hours every six weeks) and usually blown out (20 minutes every other day); their clothes are divine; and man, are these chicks toned. Their bodies speak of hours in the gym or on the yoga mat. They run business empires, they decide the fates of nations — and they have the kind of bodies you get only if you are on the treadmill at 5am. And they are outperforming expectations in the deliverables of their private lives as well.

I get exhausted just reading about it.

Every once in a while, I contemplate what it must mean to be a truly powerful woman in our culture. These days, looks are not an option for strong women, as they may have been during the time of say, Eleanor Roosevelt. They are necessary now, along with intelligence, wit, charm, a tight body (and wrinkle-free face), not to mention being motherly, sisterly, technologically savvy, and a yoga-goddess-grounded-meditator. Who the hell has time for sleep?

THAT is the problem. We just keep ramping it up. Do more, be more, the wheels spin ever faster and the mouse has to move her legs quicker just to not-really keep up. What end are we searching for?

Back to the sleep question. Sleep is good. It not only revives you, but actually restores you. It literally makes you healthy, and if you don’t get enough of it, your chances of being struck with just about every disease out there increases ten-fold, including heart disease, diabetes, obesity and depression in kids, and cancer. Yeah, our bodies get tired for a reason – they need a revival!

Whether this is a feminist issue (I’m down with that argument), or just a health issue in general, upping the anti on just about everything is not the best thing for our bodies. Maybe the question needs to be re-framed from whether getting more sleep will give us more juice to work harder when we’re awake. Instead, we might ponder whether more sleep gives us a chance to be more present with the people in our lives, enjoy relaxing moments more, and allows us to simply step more deeply into each moment.

I feel a nap coming on.

Photo: bandita

Ed. note: The following was written by my friend and colleague, Joshua Johnson, aka Joshywashington, about his own experience with his father’s cancer. An extremely moving recount of seeing his father after emergency surgery, this was written many years ago, but just recently posted by Josh on his blog. I want to thank him for both sharing his story with the world, and letting me use it here to exemplify not only the fear, pain, and loneliness of a disease that will strike many families, but also the love, healing, and connection that can take place in the midst of a traumatic act of life.

While dredging the files of abandoned thumb drives, I chanced upon 1,000 words written by a younger Josh in the days after my father’s passing. What I submit to you now has been edited for spelling only. It is not the best writing, it is the stream of consciousness of a grief stricken son. I read it with the fascination of a voyeur.

Seven years is not a lifetime, but it seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it?

PART 1

Photo: Unhindered by Talent

“Your dad might look a little scary.”

Scary? What is this, Halloween? What Steve means is that they just cut a big nasty hole into his scalp, sawed open his skull and chopped up his brain like a slab of sirloin, and he’s gonna look the part. The part of a man taken apart and put back together. Humpty-fucking-Dumpty.

I wonder if I will be able to tell now? Will I see the cancer under his skin or smell it rotting on his breath?

“I just wanted to warn you. Try to act as happy and as normal as possible. It’s very important… and keep the visit short. He needs to rest.”

Two days ago the sun fell through the window like a promise of summer. Dad and I leaned against the kitchen table and joked and crunched tuna melts.

That was happy. That was normal.

Yesterday was waiting, and phone calls and family coming to wait and hug and ‘when can we see him?’. It seems like a year ago. This is when time begins to fade and awareness of hours and days and weeks blinks lazily or disappears all together. Just moments. Instances in this crisis that can’t be quantified by Gregorian timetables. On and on part of one big nightmare.

Normal. Happy. Scary.

He may look scary. Will his mouth be slack and trickling drool? Will half his face be reinvented? Will he still be my Dad?

Steve is lookin’ us in the eyes, he is real good at that, this guy’s head is screwed on tight. If he could look me in the eyes, then I had one foot on solid ground. It helped that he looked like his younger brother, my Dad. Dustin just stands there and nods. We are in a little waiting room. Soft lights, fake plants, women’s magazines and jars of potpourri that had gone completely sterile like 5 years ago.

Hey guys, change the fucking cinnamon sticks while your at it.

PART 2

We step out of the peaceful tones of the waiting room. The nurses station is a white murmur of softly ringing phones and soft voices answering. Steve walks us down the tiles, also white and most of the patients’ doors are ajar and everyone is passed out and chopped up. I don’t want to look. The nurses speak of insipidly normal things.

Photo: Unhindered by Talent

“Yes, and it went potty all over my carpet. We just had it put in seven months ago, you know?!”

I wish they had some respect for a couple guys trying to be normal and happy seeing their father for the first terrifying time after his emergency brain surgery. The circular corridor was filled with drug addled death dodgers.

How does it feel to be apart of my bad dream, ladies, to be the background chatter in my nightmare? A hundred little devises beep politely and always a shoe whispers on the polished tile and papers ruffle like settling wings.

Suddenly the last thing in the universe that I wanted to do was walk through that door and see my (scary) father. ‘He needs to see you,’ something small creaked deep within me. He needs to see you. I had never thought that it might comfort him, the object of this ordeal.

Then it all came crashing down on me. I had not considered his position fully, it was all “my father” and “my life”, but as we walked through the door and saw his gray eyes, I thought of Randy, the man, and all he had endured these last 48 hours. What pain, what sadness, what fear and confusion, and what seeing his sons might mean. These thoughts ran through my head like a arrow of hot lead. We all need to see each other.

He wasn’t sleeping like I imagined. He was awake. His eyes seemed too open, if you can understand that. They were wide and round and lolled from side to side as my brother and I flanked the bed. He smiled crookedly. We bent down and hugged him as best we could.

Just put my face on his chest, just hold it there, and under the sick and sterile smell of the smock there he was, battered but not broken, my father. Fuck. His hand feels heavy and immobile.

“How ya doin’ pop?”

Only stupid questions come out because I can’t say “please don’t die, please don’t have cancer.”

“Oh, not so bad. I think it’s gonna leave a scar though.”

His words are crawling things lurching from his mouth but there is that sarcastic joviality that puts the devil in his eyes for a moment. He is there, or he is trying to be.

“I love you boys.”

Slowly, said slowly and more genuine than I had ever known. He is smiling. Maybe they told him to be happy and normal too. I love you too. I say it and the fucking Universe pours out, everything, no exceptions; I love you too. That is it, baby, the Earth we straddle. It smashes through everything and absolves us of everything. I, we exist in “I love you”. That’s all we really want to say. But he says, slowly, through a low gurgle in his throat:

“I’m sorry.”

Photo: iProzac

His hair is greasy and matted, hanging in tussled oily clumps. The left side of his head is shaved, something he hates, and a huge arching frown is cut into his scalp. He is sewn together and the stitches dimple the blood-crusted skin.

“Pretty ugly huh?” he laughs. “I wish they woulda shaved my whole head though.”

Oh, the thousand little embarrassments of cancer. There is no glamour in it. It takes decencies one by one by one. Until you can only laugh or cry, naked in the dark.

It looks like no cut or injury I’ve ever seen. The word trauma comes to mind. A door was made in the left side of his head, just above the ear. Like a storm cellar, all the way the core. Don’t stare. When he turns toward Dustin or blinks slowly, my eyes hurry there, unable to help myself.

Happy.

Iodine was unceremoniously smeared over the Healing head wound and had dried in brown dribbles down his temple and neck.

Normal.

Here is the third installment of A Memory of Cancer.

Interested in possible alternative therapies for cancer? A good place to begin is the NIH’s Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) page on cancer. The Cancer Cure Foundation also provides a detailed list of therapies at their site.

Photo: Sister72

To honor the wonders of Valentine’s Day (yes, I’m being sarcastic), we decided to put together a little prize package that includes a lot of truth around the ups and downs of love. The packet includes an amazing anthology from The Sun Magazine entitled, The Mysterious Life of the Heart, the latest movie from award-winning filmmaker Kara Herold, Bachelorette, 34, and a couple of other sweet goodies.

For the last 30 years, The Sun has published some of the best writing out there, ad-free, and this anthology of stories and poetry was painstakingly put together to represent their best works dealing with love. You will be moved, and shed a tear or twenty.

Bachelorette, 34 delves deeply into an area most single 30-somethings can relate to: the pressure to get married. In the movie, Kara takes a look at her mom’s bid to get her married, to anyone, and Kara’s own struggle between searching for the “one” and remaining fiercely independent. This film cuts to the heart of this generation’s power play between settling down or fighting against traditional family structures, opting for freedom and urban ones instead. For more on the film, check out Karaheroldmedia.com.

Bachelorette, 34

A couple of other little goodies will make their way into your Valentine’s kit, making the retail value of this prize over $60. But you can win it for free with just the click of a button! Just sign up for my monthly Health Update newsletter below, and you will be automatically entered.

If you are already signed up, shoot me an email that you would like to be entered in the contest. And, if you pass the word around to others, email me their names and email addresses, and if I see they’ve signed up, you’ll be entered again for every person who becomes a subscriber. In other words, if you pass this contest onto seven people, and they all sign up, your name will be thrown in the hat seven times.

The winner will be chosen and contacted on February 11th so that the prizes can get there by the 14th. Good luck!

Health Update covers cutting edge research in nutrition, medical/alternative health, and well-being, in fun, easy-to-handle bites. That way, you can one-up your friends about what’s happening in the world of health without reading through all those boring studies or incomprehensible articles. Here’s the February 2010 issue.

Latest Health News

Apparently, killing continues to always be the answer

So they figured out that nitric oxide is “able to alleviate stress in bacteria caused by many antibiotics.” In other words, that’s why bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics. But instead of thinking, hmmm, maybe the answer isn’t more antibiotics (but instead might have to do with probiotics), they’re going with how they can inhibit the nitric oxide and continue kicking up the level of antibiotics. *Sigh…*

Yes, for chrissakes, GM plants are harmful to your health!

Photo: jeff_w_brooktree

Here’s a new study on GM corn that’s pretty clear: “Our analysis clearly reveals for the 3 GMOs new side effects linked with GM maize consumption, Effects were mostly associated with the kidney and liver, the dietary detoxifying organs, although different between the 3 GMOs. Other effects were also noticed in the heart, adrenal glands, spleen and haematopoietic system.” ‘Nough said.

Well, all women are meant to be mothers, aren’t they?

I found this to be an extremely interesting piece about a French author who wrote a book where she regrets becoming a mother (her kids are 12 and 10, and she offered the book to them. They are, shockingly, more interested in Harry Potter). It seems the atmosphere in France around motherhood is even more pressured than in the United States. Will we ever accept that not all women are supposed to get married and have kids, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing?

The ghrelin gremlin rears its ugly head once again

What might be the key to people regaining weight after months of losing it is a little hormone named gremlin, ahem, I mean ghrelin. Yep, it’s the one that kicks in to let you know you are hungry and it’s time to eat, stat. Looks like levels of the hormone just keep getting higher as people lose weight, according to a study in the New England Journal of Medicine. Check out HSI’s three top ways to deal with this little sabotager from hell.

Win! Win! Win!

Yep, it’s that time of year again. The dreaded Valentine’s Day is upon us. If you are singled, this day is pretty much the worst of the year (unless you decide to go rock it out with your friends, which is what I usually do). If you are coupled, it’s still pretty much the worst day of the year (damn you, Hallmark, and all your pressure!).

So to celebrate (ha ha) this festive occasion, I thought what better time than now to give away a Valentine’s package connected to love? Don’t worry, these prizes are not of the “love is grand” variety. Neither are they of the “love is a battlefield” variety. Like most of life, they fall somewhere in the middle, and make you think, fantasize, and remember all the different forms of love you’ve experienced in your life.

The packet includes an amazing anthology from The Sun Magazine entitled, The Mysterious Life of the Heart, the latest movie from award-winning filmmaker Kara Herold, Bachelorette, 34, and a couple of other sweet goodies. The total value of the prize is over $60, but all you have to is sign up below for our monthly newsletter, chock full of good (and fun!) info every month.

Already signed up? You can still enter; click here for details. And good luck!

Sex, sex, sex…sex, sex, sex

Photo: motleypixel

Did I get your attention? I thought so. There certainly is always a lot to talk about when it comes to sex, and usually not enough of the good, important stuff is actually talked about when it comes to sex. So, if you are hoping to learn a bit more about sex and health, and maybe how stepping outside the norm can help with both, here’s a couple of great (and fun) resources:

1. The computer and iPhone are vindicated. Looks like Viagra and obesity are to blame for the carpal tunnel syndrome epidemic. Alas, the pressure put on your wrists during sex (guess it depends on whose on top?) is crippling people’s arms throughout the world. It’s gotta be true if a scientific study says it’s so:

Some Sex Positions Are Bad For Your Health

2. Sex is better than meditation, eating right, and exercise all wrapped up into one. Well, that may be stretching it a bit, but take a look at this outline of health benefits to getting it on:

Sex is Good for your Health

Which might mean it’s time to bust out of the box…

Photo: timsamoff

3. Bored with having sex at home? Tired of having to keep quiet because of the kids/neighbors/dogs/impressionable parakeets? Then maybe a night out – sans a fancy dinner and substituting a Motel Six room – is just what you need.

How to Have Motel Six Sex (thanks, eHow. You always know how to show us the way).

4. A little bit more hotel sex, just bolder. Love this guy’s story about sex in a crammed hotel bathroom with wife while their six kids are “sleeping” in the other room:

Cheap motel sex

5. Think you got it going on? Occasionally ponder how tough it must be for your friend who is in a wheelchair to figure out the sex question? Ahem, no more. He’s probably having better sex than you. A lot better:

Disabled People Might Be Having Better Sex Than You

Alright, now off to do, well, whatever it is you need to do.

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Grain-Free Livin’

My January, with the exception of a one-day “good cheat” (I say good because I don’t believe we should ever restrict anything 100%) that included a delectable gluten-free hazelnut/chocolate scone and a gluten-free fried-green-tomato and bacon sandwich, has been grain-free.

Photo: DavidDennisPhotos.com

Why? Well, there are more and more nutritional experts out there who say that grains well, just aren’t good for us. I won’t go so far as to say I think they are bad for all of us, or that anyone should cut them out completely, but I do know from my own experience that eating grains – even whole ones – makes me tired as hell about an hour after I eat them, sometimes even before.

The day I ate the scone and sandwich was horrible – I couldn’t recover (given, I had drank coffee earlier that day, which I rarely do, so was also contending with the blood-sugar plunge from that). Eating grains can sometimes make me feel worse than eating sugar. That, to me, is a sign.

Some other people’s bodies can certainly process grains better than mine. But before you go thinking you are one of them, ask yourself about your day. Do you feel great in the morning after your coffee and breakfast, but begin to crash right before lunch? Then you eat lunch, feel ok for a little while, but hit rock bottom around 2:30 or 3 (stat on more coffee!)? Ok, this doesn’t necessarily means grains aren’t for you – maybe cutting back on sugar and caffeine will help – but maybe it does. Maybe, just maybe, those underlying aches and pains that you are writing off may have to do with eating grains.

There are also issues around grain processing. Everyone is up in arms over the high environmental impact of meat. While this is completely understandable and true for factory-farmed meat, where cows that aren’t even supposed to be eating grains are chained inside pens for their entire lives and forced to eat fattening corn, wheat, and soy, and are processed through as quickly as possible for our fast food habit, the conscious act of eating locally grown, grass-fed meats may actually have LESS of an environmental impact than a grain-based diet according to some new “radical” views (actually based on old views, because that’s how people ate before grains came onto the scene).

Figuring out what works for us individually is the whole point of this life.

I’m not here to convert anyone, just to offer possibilities that may lead to feeling stronger, better, and more present in your life. I’d love to hear feedback from those who have tried different approaches to improving their energy and overall outlook. Figuring out what works for us individually is the whole point of this life, whether that be something as “simple” as a diet approach to something as complex as a spiritual practice.

So January is almost over, and yeah, I’m gonna go for February. I’m taking it one month at a time to see what happens. I’ll keep you up-to-date!

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My rosacea at its best (worst?)

I stood there, staring in the mirror. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I thought. “Right f-in now?”

It was t-minus two hours until he was arriving for the whole weekend, and not one, but two big zits right next to each other on my cheek were red as a Santa costume and protruding like Kim Kardashian’s ass.

“This is only going to get worse,” I thought.

Ah, my skin. Or my bane, whatever you’d like to call it. I dealt with acne from puberty (which started at 10 for me – yeah, my breasts were larger at 12 than they are now) up until college, when I got on birth control pills. The wonder of several years of (mostly) clear skin, even bigger boobs, but oh yeah, a bigger waist to boot (and those fantastic mood swings).

Once I was off the ole’ BC, I didn’t really begin to break out again as much as the redness that had always plagued me (I would never like to know how many times in my life I’ve heard, “It’s so cute that you blush so easily!” Just know that if you ever say it to me, I will secretly want to smack you) started to stick. Yep, little spots of red on this part of my cheek, another one over here on my chin. After years of only wearing foundation when going out for a night on the town, I began to wear it on a daily basis.

I finally figured it out – I have rosacea.

Red Lobster

Behold the power of makeup

For those uninitiated (don’t worry, most people haven’t heard of it, even if they have it), rosacea is a chronic skin disorder “involving inflammation of the cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, or eyelids. It may appear as redness, prominent spider-like blood vessels, swelling, or skin eruptions similar to acne.” There it is, in all its beauty.

Think W.C. Fields, Bill Clinton’s nose, and Renee Zellweger at one random movie opening or another (or just look at the pic of me above). Hopefully, I’ll never have the tissue growth of Fields or Clinton (mostly only occurs in stage 3 for men), but I have permanent blood vessel breakage to look forward to for the rest of my life.

It may not seem like a big deal to people who don’t have it, but having such an obvious skin ailment sitting right on your cheeks ain’t no fun. Especially if you are a holistic health/nutrition educator. I’m supposed to know the tricks to having perfect skin, along with the perfect weight, and the exact secrets to meditating purposefully in 3 minute increments.

Trust me, I’ve tried it all – every supposed diet trick (except I’d probably never be able to give up for the rest of my life caffeine, alcohol, chocolate, eggplant, peppers, curry, vinegar, sugar, grains or any other of the hundred or so possible food triggers – though I have given up each for periods of time), cut back on exercise that I love like dancing and even yoga, because anything that gets my blood pumping gets my capillaries bursting, stayed out of the sun, stayed out of the cold, stayed away from chemicals, done all of the nutritional therapies out there.

Photo: stars alive

Yeah, that’s what they recommend a person with rosacea do – “there is no cure, only a removal of triggers and slowing down progression with treatments.” The treatments western medicine recommends? Long-term, low-level antibiotics, and topical steroids. And I will admit that I tried both, and they didn’t help me. Plus they suck.

The point of all of this is not to go on and on about a disease that most of you will never have to deal with. Point is that I struggle with something I feel is obvious, and have felt makes me less of a person in a way. I feel like it takes away from my beauty, my ability to be trusted for the health information I provide (if I can’t get my skin together, what makes someone else think anything I say is valid?), my sense of self. But as with every hardship we encounter, there is a purpose. And we all struggle with something “negative” that we feel is obvious to everyone else, even when it’s not.

I know that at least part of the purpose is to work with acceptance and self-love.

The Release That Comes With Acceptance

Fifteen minutes before he arrived, I looked in the mirror again, red from all the running around, and I sighed. Those damn zits. I haven’t had zits like those in a long time, and damnit, I wanted to look hot. But I breathed out slowly and recognized, those zits are going to be there whether I like it or not. I can either waste a whole lotta energy on thinking about them (and the inevitable redness that would ensue), or I could enjoy the fact that I was about to partake in a romantic evening.

Check out this photo's powerful comments on Flickr
Photo: dreamglow

Given, he’d probably notice them the second he walked in the door – my cover-up was not working well. But I guarantee, that if I was spending a lot of time thinking about them, he’d feel that and notice them a lot longer vs. I accept that they are there and move on with my life. There is something so beautiful about accepting our imperfections, even if we don’t voice it out loud. And I believe that makes others notice them less, too.

Having imperfections is part of what it means to be human. All too often, our imperfections are simply the flip-side of perfection, if only we can slowly start to see them that way. They contain lessons, for sure, sometimes signs of changes that need to be made – without a doubt – but also educate us on how to move in our bodies in a different way. Sometimes, imperfections such as crooked teeth or a large nose, become our signature beauty. But they only become this if we look at them that way.

And maybe, letting go a bit of the struggle gives way to a deeper humanness that otherwise could not be accessed. So, rosacea, and you zits too, I love you.

I think I’ve found my “signature color.”