If you put someone or something else at the center of your universe, that’s co-dependency. You depend on the “other” to make all your decisions for you. This is a manifestation of over-identification.

It fundamentally is about keeping a dynamic tension in your life between you and another. That other could be G-d, a person, or a flower.

It is about having the consciousness of both at the same time.

It is a dance.

Sometimes, one will have to take precedence over the other.

If it is the self, this is called survival.

But to care about the other for the sake of the other, is compassion.

As someone said above, complete honesty is nearly impossible.

Yet it is essential.

Have a nice day,

PPB
Boston, MA

Complete Honesty is nearly impossible.
Compassion is where it is at.

About a month ago, a man appeared in my life unexpectedly. However, I had an image on my vision board about companionship…so I probably helped call him in that way. We went on a couple of dates, had a nice time, and it end up fizzling. However, that encounter reactivated me and let me know that I was ready finally to embrace my dating self and find a way to do it authentically and skillfully.

As a part of developing my comfort with dating and my dating consciousness, I’ve been engaged in active study about the topic. A friend suggested Steve Harvey’s new book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, another friend suggested Sex and the Single Girl, and I learned about a book “If the Buddha Dated” and another book Don’t Bring Home a White Boy: Other Notions that Keep Black Women from Dating Out.” I’d recommend any of these books to single ladies reading this.

As a part of working through these books, I am creating a dating strategy, not as a game plan to get the guy though. Instead, I’m creating a map about how, when, why, and what to communicate and inquire about over the course of dating someone. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the rush of dating or to start feeling vulnerable and then to clam up. So, I need a strategy to hold myself accountable to myself and my vision for what I want to experience in life.

As an example, Steve Harvey’s book encourages women to be up front about what they want and to have standards. I want a long-term committed relationship. After I take like 2-3 dates and intermittent conversations to get to know if the attraction and interest is there for me, I’m going to communicate that I’d like to explore the possibility of a long-term committed relationship with that person I’m dating. He may or may not be interested in pursuing the same vision and I want to know that relatively early. With that information, I can choose to continue to have fun with him or move on to find someone who wants to work toward a long-term committed relationship.

Interested to read this continuing dialogue.

I read the linked article about the 4 man plan and there was a mention in the comments on how offended the men were. Well for one thing, don’t expect any sort of loyalty from the men that would be happy in that situation. Think how you would feel if your guy mentioned he was dating several other girls and you should show him you want him more??

If you go about dating playing a game, expect to meet others that are also playing A game. (Very unlikely you are both playing by the same rules though.) The unfortunate consequence of a lot of these game players is that the rest of us feel somehow forced into playing just to make any headway. I imagine that to some the game is there to cover up things that would make them otherwise undateable. Like mentioned as well, if the rules help reign in bad habits, good. If they force you into bad habits, no.

Back to my friend’s advice. Project what you want, project what you are willing to offer as a partner. Think about these things and whether they fit somehow. Looking for a one-woman man? Don’t go dating 4 at a time.

None of this is necessarily an argument for putting on a fake self, but sometimes I think we (by we, I mean I) have to check emotions a bit at the beginning, as they may be more of a representation of longing rather than truly feeling that way about the other person. So, it may come off as a game, but rather it’s about the balancing act of stepping into relationship with a person, and if the two of are ready at the same time.

Of course, I love the idea of ease, moving through the levels of relationship seemingly at the same time (or at least close), and do think that is possible – it’s happened to me a couple of times in my life. But more often than not, it hasn’t worked that way, and I don’t want to give up on a situation necessarily because it’s not all flowing perfectly from the first moment. Then again, if it’s too much of a struggle right off the bat, it’s sure not to get any better, and what’s the point of moving forward?