Photo: suchitra prints

This is the second part of the dating games debate between Carlo Alcos and Christine Garvin, which began in response to the article, Dating in 2010: Is it All Four-Man Plans and Online Shenanigans? See what you think about the outcome.

Carlo

I’ve always been a dumpee. Not that I dated a lot mind you. I had a long term gf in high school from 15-20 years old…after that my 20s were spent mostly single while dating here and there. But for the most part, it was usually the other party’s choice to cut the relationship short. Which brings me back to ‘what the hell do I know about dating’? Well, I’ll just tell mine and Yvonne’s story.

I’d just turned 28. I was pretty much disillusioned with the whole dating thing. I started getting comfortable with the fact that, hey, I just might live the rest of my life as a single person. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with, as far as I’m concerned.

There is way too much pressure from society telling you that you have to shack up with someone (and have kids, etc). And if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. So I think this is the most important part you have to realize if you want to find a partner. You need to be comfortable by yourself. You need to feel fulfilled by yourself. You need to love yourself. (I struggle with this everyday still.)

So it’s actually ironic that to find someone you have to be comfortable with the fact that you might never find someone. I think the importance of this is that once you are sincerely “not looking”, that’s when you are freely able to truly be yourself, and is when you will attract someone that you can actually be with for a long time.

I was at this stage when I met Yvonne. After an initial meeting (at her 27th bday party), it took another couple of months to actually go on a first date. Partly because the message I left for her the first time I called, she accidentally deleted and lost my number. Point being, getting together actually took a really long time.

But I was never bothered about it, because I’d stopped actively pursuing girls. We clicked pretty fast, and I remember talking over email very early on in the relationship, when she invited me out with some other friends. I replied with some snide remark about other guys (I can’t remember exactly)…but she then responded in a very serious tone “are you playing games with me? Cuz I don’t like that” That’s when it clicked for me. This was a no nonsense girl. After that we never held back. We spoke freely without fear of pushing each other away.

Because we figured this out: if something is not going to work out, it’s much better to know very early on than later. Then you’re not wasting anyone’s time. Essentially, stop with the games and just be yourself.

Christine

My kind of love. Or not.
Photo: LordKhan

I’ve always been a dumpee too. If you count my relationships. I was reminded recently, nicely enough from a friend, that I have hurt people too. As I explained a story about a 22-year-old (yes, 22) that I’ve recently gone back and forth with, saying I’d hang out, then canceling at the last moment, then finally giving in only to want to escape, my friend said, “Didn’t that same thing happen in Truckee?”

No, not really, I said. The young guy? That was just a night at a bar. The guy I became friends with? I think I was clear.

Then he said, “Happened in Fairfax, too.”

Not sure if he was referring to someone else, or to him. I got it, though. That my pattern of not liking the guys who like me – and possibly leading them on, though not my intention – has maybe broken a few hearts, or at least bruised some egos. I tend to forget this when I’m sitting in my own shitty pain of loneliness.

I realized for the first time the other day that I’m almost 32 and I’ve never been asked to be married. I don’t think there’s ever been a guy who has even wanted to marry me. Given, I don’t see myself as the marriage-type. I still cried my eyes out that nobody has wanted that with me.

Thing is, I’ve always wanted to find that great love. I’d say my friends or acquaintances on the periphery would be surprised to hear this – that I’ve always seemed so independent, didn’t go out of my way to be with a guy, fought it in some ways. A few in my inner circle have seen the pain more than once. I try and hide things that seem to make me look pathetic (desperately wanting a man is one I’d count). I don’t always do a good job of it.

Oh, the Irony

Carlo says, “So it’s actually ironic that to find someone you have to be comfortable with the fact that you might never find someone.” I’ve heard time, and time, and time again that I’ve got to love myself fully and then he’ll show up. Ok. I’ve been doing the work. For years. And I’ve come a long way. But then I think about all my friends who haven’t done the work and they have great guys. And I wonder if I’ll ever fully finish “the work.”

I’ve tried the letting go thing. But it’s really fucking hard to let something go when that’s all you want.

And that’s the thing about dating. About life, really. Sure, some people are just out there to get laid. For now. Some people are one-night standers, while others are serial monogamists. Some think they want a relationship, but really don’t, and some think they don’t want a relationship, but really do. Ultimately, though, I believe we all want that deep connection at some point in our life. I think it is one of the main points of living on this Earth.

I talked to a Swami recently who said to me, “We must accept that we are all alone. We have sex in order to feel as if we can merge with another person – that’s the closest we come – but we never truly can. We all must find peace with our loneliness.” Then I listened to him talk about all the 7-1 woman-man ratio of orgies at Osho’s ashram in the 70′s and 80′s.

I understand that we can never fully be integrated with another person. And I don’t want to be. But I want that person to wake up next to whom I trust to see the worst of me, who’ll give me the best of him, and who will push me forward. Truth is, I KNOW games won’t get me there. In fact, dating in and of itself won’t. Not for me.

He’ll show, when I least expect it, when I’m not looking. At least, that’s what they tell me.

Here’s is the Youtube video making its way around, that probably says what it means to be alone better than any of us can:

Share and Enjoy