Photo: nasrulekram

Oh, yes, you know what I’m talking about. And not in that, “Curses, foiled again!” kinda way.

We’re all bad girls (and boys) deep down. Don’t get me wrong – I think this is a good thing. The only problem is when it becomes a choice between being a bad girl and being healthy.

This, in a nutshell, is my continuous problem, challenge, thorn in my side, whathaveyou. Has been (not as in I’m a has-bin…you know what I mean) since about age 24. Ok, it actually was even before then, but that’s when I first began to realize it. Hey, drinking a lot of alcohol isn’t good for my mental stability! Eating a lot of sugar, whether that be cookies and ice cream or lots of yummy fruit, jacks me up and then down! Jazz hands!

Yeah, but drinking a glass of wine (or several) with friends is fun, damnit. And partaking in a gluten-free muffin here or there should be allowed, shouldn’t it? I realize these aren’t usually considered “bad girl” things – usually cocaine, quaaludes or a stripper named Sausage figure into the equation – but they are mine. Because they make me feel like shit. And that’s how “bad” things eventually make us feel, right?

I’ve quit alcohol for months at a time over the years. Same goes for sugar, grains, cigarettes, pot, cooked foods, raw foods, things that begin with the letter O. Oh wait, that would include orgasm, right? Well, it is true that my sex-drive was pretty low during all that restriction…

Learning Process

Anyway, if nothing else, I’ve learned total restriction only rebounds in a really ugly way in the long run. For me, cutting out sugar completely ended months later with ridiculous amounts of binging on soy ice cream and gluten-free chocolate chip cookies, sometimes smoking pot simply in order to be more hungry so that I would eat past the point of my stomach breaking open.

Photo: Anna Gearhart

I’d feel fat, fatigued, and a failure for the next three days, followed by re-upping my resolve to banish sugar FOREVER.

Somewhere in there, I had to let go of the idea of perfection. Of eating perfectly, of having a perfect stomach, of doing my job perfectly, of finding that perfect love. Slowly releasing my grip on trying to live up to the impossible allowed flow to creep ever so gently back into my sights. I got to play around again with what it meant to live without being held back by not being able to eat at this restaurant, or having to turn down a cocktail at a social event, or giving into a yummy tempting kiss. I felt normal again.

Those phases of ricocheting to one end of the spectrum, and then the other, are natural in this quest for whatever health looks like to each of us as an individual. But, eventually, if you get stuck on that intense swing, it’ll end up taking you down the rabbit hole once again. And really, at this point in my life, I’m done with Ecstasy.

This Time Around

Given, I’m in a much stronger place emotionally than I was the first time I cut out sugar. But I refuse to go about it the same way. Yes, it’s a new year; yes, I have given up grains (and sneaky sugars, shhh!) for the month of January. Yep, FOR THE MONTH OF JANUARY. Not the whole year; not even the first six months. And honestly, I don’t eat grains that much anyway at this point, so it’s not a huge leap for me.

And I think that is a bit of the point. We start a new year and literally grab for a totally new self as soon as that clock strikes midnight on December 31. Ok, maybe not then, as we are in the middle of eating crab cakes, drinking champagne and sucking on a cigarette, but definitely the next morning. Alright, maybe not then either, because we have a terrible hangover and everyone knows you need some greasy food – and probably a bloody mary – to soak up all the alcohol left in your system. January 2nd, or at least when you go back to work, for sure…

Yeah, I gave myself the first few days of the new year to bring down my sugar/grain intake. Maybe, along with giving yourself some wiggle room, it might be worth revising your resolutions. What would making a small move, that nonetheless would feel momentous to accomplish, look like? A hell of a lot better than three months of working really hard, and then staying as far away as possible from that resolution until January 1, 2011. Or worse yet, getting to week two and developing an utter hatred for anyone who dares to mention, “didn’t you quit…?” A punch in the face may follow, and that’s just no fun for anyone.

Well, maybe in the moment, but definitely not in the long run.