Photo: Bhaskar Banerji

I love the way you move

I love the way you fuck

I love the way your stomach rounds

I love the red bumps on your inner thighs

I love the way your arms tighten easily

I love that your stomach never will

I love that your big toe turns in slightly while the rest stand straight out

I love that your skin tans easily

I love that your face reddens even more easily

I love that your legs look long in the slightest of heels

…and short without

I love the way you snake your arms when you dance

I love that your eyes can pierce

I love that you often look away instead

I love how you get me out of bed every morning

especially when I remember a time that wasn’t so easy

I love that your face gives away exactly how you’re feeling

…even when I don’t want you too and don’t think you are

I love that you are my best friend

and accept me even when I don’t accept you

I love that you are with me no matter what happens in this life, who comes in and out of it, what I accomplish or fail

I love you

Photo: suchitra prints

One of my co-editors at Matador, Carlo Alcos, took a particular disliking to a piece I wrote a couple of months ago called, Dating in 2010: Is it All Four-Man Plans and Online Shenanigans? Well, maybe dislike is a strong word, but it certainly triggered him. So we decided to hash-it-out, mano a mano, in the classy, mature way – on a blog for everyone to see (and comment on…hint hint).

Thing is, Carlo and I are generally nice, subdued people, so our conversation may not involve as many sucker-punches as you would have liked to see. For that, I apologize.

Carlo

I was going to write a comment in response to Christine’s article, but then I thought maybe my services would be better put to use if I wrote an entire post. So I emailed her to present my masterplan, then promptly forgot about it.

But the time delay worked out well because Christine’s friend, Vera (if that is her real name…which it is not), later responded herself in the comment area that the dating plan she was trying didn’t pan out so well for her. Which is what I was going to say anyway. So, in essence, it gives strength to this post.

Before I begin, I thought you’d might be interested in a bit about me. I am in no way a “dating expert”, psychologist, psychiatrist, sociologist, or any other type of professional who’s spent the better part of their lives studying relationships. But I am human. And I’m a guy. In fact, I’m a married guy. For over three years. So I think that qualifies me to at least be in the discussion. In fact, I’ve counseled many girl friends in the past on dating issues, mostly ending with the sentence, “maybe you’re just dating the wrong type of guy.”

When I first read about the four-man plan here I got really defensive for some reason. I can’t explain that reaction, but I felt I needed to respond. The gist of this plan is that a woman dates four men at the same time, with the idea that the men will be more competitive.

What I came to hate during my twenties was the “game.” And this is a game. I’ll admit I haven’t read the book, so I’m not going to sit here and attack this plan because I don’t know enough about it. (Although on the website it does say you “keep track of how you feel about each of them with the help of some visual graphs” which pretty much sounds like a gameplan.) And yeah, back then, I played it. Because that’s what you were supposed to do. Or, that’s what you were told you were supposed to do.

The whole “don’t call for 3 days, don’t let on how interested you are, play it cool” thing. It’s fucking ridiculous when you think about it. Why shouldn’t we be encouraged to express our thoughts and feelings? If everyone were just open wouldn’t that make things a lot easier? If you are the kind of person that likes to express yourself, and you’re with someone who gets freaked out because you tell him/her you like them, or you call them “too soon”, is that the kind of person you want to be with long term?

Christine

Photo: nattu

When it comes to dating, the thing about creds is, who really has them? In the immortal (ha) words of Carrie Bradshaw, “I’ve been dating a hundred years. I haven’t a clue” (yeah, I went there). Each experience is original in some way, though we certainly bring our very own colorful patterns to each dating dilemma.

I’m a horrible dater, as I alluded to (or insisted loudly) in my article. Never been good at it. Laid in bed the other night thinking about how I just can’t seem to be casual in my life about, well, anything really. But certainly not love and romance. A guy I dated a few years ago once said to me, “You’re too damn intense.” A version of that statement has been repeated to me many times before and since. Yep. I’m an all or nothing girl. What can I say?

Oh, I fight against it all the time. Although I would never have the energy to participate in the four-man plan, I get it. It’s friggin’ tough out there. As a woman, you can’t be too available – men like the chase (I think this is also often true on the flip-side, hence the whole “girls don’t like nice guys” issue).

If you say straight up in the beginning, “Hey, I like you. I’m feeling a connection here,” that often makes the other person friggin’ high-tail it in the other direction. The most honest I was able to be with my feelings early on was when I started seeing a man in an open marriage – and we both agreed we felt comfortable to not play the “game” partly because nothing long-term was at stake.

I think most of us wish we could be honest with our feelings right away, but the thing about feelings is sometimes they grow at different rates. I know that for me, there have been a few guys that I’ve dated who I didn’t really have feelings for when I first met them. It took time and persistence on their part to make me see how great they were. And really, most of the men I’ve dated for longer periods of time didn’t necessarily look at me romantically in the beginning – as our friendship grew, they became interested (and I know you guys out there reading this are calling bullshit, but I think it’s mostly true. I could always sense the shift).

I think it is a pretty normal human condition to hold your cards close to your chest. And if you’ve been hurt, or played by guys time and again, it feels like you have to play to win in this crazy game.

I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for nine years. It’s so f’n hard to be a straight woman dating there. Whether you chalk it up to the amount of gay guys (although my gay guy friends seemed to have to play even more games), the higher ratio of (gorgeous) women to men, or the fact that it is a transient area with total commitment phobs, I understand thinking, “Hmm, I’m getting rejected left and right here. I need a new strategy.”

And so even though the Four-Man Plan ultimately didn’t work for my friend – and I didn’t really think it would over time – the experience might have been worth it within itself. Sometimes, it’s about resetting your own boundaries.

Check in next week to see the married and the singleton continue to duke it out.

Photo: KushiInstitute

So it turns out “neurology is not destiny” – at least according to William Harryman. Oh, and a little ole’ study at Rockefeller University.

Lotsa big words later, it seems all those crazy folks who’ve been saying, “the only thing that holds you back is your mind” were right. Or wait…wrong? Well, whatever. The study basically determined that our brains are not, as we thought, fixed in their wiring early in life, but rather change based on experiences we have and/or participate in throughout our lives.

So much for the but, but…can’t…old dogs…new tricks… Saying you’re too old to learn how to breakdance with a walker or blaming your parents for your Wendy’s frosties-and-fries addiction so you don’t get a green thing in your diet doesn’t cut it anymore. We always, always, always have the ability to change. Get better. Evolve, people.

Ok, it’s not quite that simple. Yeah, there are addictions. Those old neurons fire up when we get reprimanded by the boss, making us head straight out the door for a cuddly, loving ciggie that we oh-so-easily gave up five years ago. We get dumped, or a friend forgets to call us back for eight months, or we don’t hear back from any of the 750 painstakingly-applied for jobs. Bam! Time for a drink/hit off the bong/weekend drug-and-prostitute filled extravaganza in the Hamptoms. You know how it goes.

These addictions are seriously hard to overcome when the going gets rough (and it always will at some point). Why do you think spirituality sells? Partly because it gives a sorta answer: sit with the pain, and then surrender to [insert spiritual guru/god here]. They seem to give a bit of a way out.

The Pleasure of Pain

But what that does is make people think there is a “way out.” Sure, sitting in the pain sounds all good and mature, until you actually have to do it. Then you start to let all those excruciating emotions roll through you without satiating the burning desire to immediately rip your heart out and stomp it til the beating stops. Or rip someone else’s heart out, whatever.

Sitting in the pain hurts. And while I’m not sure that this happens so much if you are really sitting in the pain, the possibility of getting sucked down into that which you think is the pain can be a bit uh, stunting. As Danielle Laporte recently wrote on her blog:

Personally, I haven’t run from my pain. I compensated for it. I spent so much time accommodating it, “working with it”, paying attention to it –- NOT avoiding it, that I neglected my very agency and power: my joy. Unbridled, unabashedly sweet, essential joyousness.

Sometimes we can forget about our joy, and the power we have to achieve it. We can attach to our pain in the name of feeling it, not really letting it work its way through our system in order for it to compost into something actually worth holding onto.

Jesin albuquerque, someone who commented on Laporte’s article, captured this sentiment well:

During the past two years, I lost two close friends, two family members, and my cat-companion of 20 years. I had some grieving to do and I did it. Then, just a few days ago, I woke up one morning feeling strange. After some consideration, I realized that for the first time in a long time, I was not overwhelmed with grief. So what did I do? Tried to get it back. It had become an old friend and a safe haven.

Sometimes, we work just as hard to hold onto the bad stuff as much as the good. Sometimes, we’re scared of the fact that like those researchers determined, our brains aren’t fixed in their wiring. And neither are our lives. Which means we gotta take responsibility for them.

Oooh, more responsibility?

Oh, the Fine Line

I still believe many of us run away from pain (we also run away from true joy in order to experience easier pleasures). But when we start to work with our pain, we might just begin to over-identify with it, partly because we friggin’ ignored it for so long.

That’s why I think talk therapy is good for a while. Get at those wounds of why you act the way you do. Love yourself up. Then get out there and do something about it, instead of getting stuck in the wheel of “well, I acted this way because of my Dad’s inability to show his affection” for an hour week after week (’cause you know your therapist is bored after six years, anyway). Everybody’s got their stuff – it’s not about what happened, it’s what they do with it.

Like anything else – and any other emotion – feeling pain, then letting it go (or transforming it) is a balancing act. Sometimes you gotta wallow. Sometimes you gotta kick yourself in the rear and implement some changes.

Luckily, we know the brain’s got some endless possibilities in store. Re-wire away.

After an hour or so, I couldn’t help but stifle a yawn. This story, which I had already heard in its entirety, seemed to both be dragging and multiplying. Plus, every time me or the couple I was sitting next too – also listening with half-bored expressions on their faces – said, “Give her the boot!”, my friend nodded, said, “Yeah, I know I should” and then would go right back to his harrowing tale of drug-infused and self-worth-crushing “relationship” drama.

I put “relationship” in quotations because this thing he was describing was some sort of toxic entity that I’m not sure should ever be classified as a relationship. Maybe an addiction, or a bi-polar episode of epic proportions. It was unfortunate, really, as what surrounded us as we listened was lush, hilly countryside, a private lake that cradled our bodies for the afternoon, and a wraparound deck that held us as the temp dropped to that lazy summer sweet spot.

In the end (well, really, for most of the story), the words that crossed my mind continuously were “addicted to the drama.” I mean seriously, if you pay for someone to go to Jazz Fest in New Orleans with you, and she’s popping so many drugs that she’s wandering off every 10 minutes, randomly making out with other guys and girls and trading outfits with other women on the street, allowing you to pay for a rental car for two weeks because her car blew out on the way there, and then wouldn’t ride with you for the 8-hour drive to drop the car off, what the hell else could it be?

Given, the life of a serious wild-child (she’s 37 with three kids, by the way) is interesting to hear about. Once. I even had moment of wistfully remembering back when I dabbled in a few hardcore drugs – one at a time, mind you – and the excitement of feeling that intensity of consciousness, love, belief. Then I quickly remembered the progressively long hangovers, days of a feeling that can’t quite be explained, other than to say you’d rather just go ahead and be roadkill. And the woman is an ER nurse, for chrissakes.

We’re all Addicts

Anyway, the specifics really are beside the point. The point is, just like my friend, a whole lot of us are addicted to drama. It’s especially prevalent when it comes to romantic relationships, but it’s also there in friendships, work, home, exercise, even “rejuvenating” vacations. The ups and downs of life seem to come and go like a caffeine hit and subsequent crash – every four hours and a ridiculously addictive process.

I’m totally a drama addict. I mean, I’m a 4 – is there any possible way that I wouldn’t be this life go-round? No, but even as I see how it has slowly subsided over the years (and after a lot of work), I can still sometimes miss the points in my own life where my drama queen rears. Feeling like I have to work too hard for what I get paid (hmpf!). Noticing the depressive stance I take when I haven’t connected to someone I want to (“What is my problem? Why can’t I relate to anyone in this whole entire universe??”). Thinking I suck at my job when someone reacts negatively to something I’ve written or said (“Why did I ever think I could even string two words together?). Drama, drama, drama.

While it is so damn obvious to me that my friend feels more alive with jolting adrenaline when he gets used and abused by his girlfriend (who, as an aside, first invited him to a concert tonight and then dis-invited him, in the same beat that she asked if he could babysit her kids since he wasn’t going. And yeah, he said yes.), I often forget about the adrenaline crash I feel when I attach to something I believe I deserve and then don’t get it.

Depletion Vs. Contentment

I’m not here to say we shouldn’t have dreams, or focus on what we want. I totally believe in these things, and think they are necessary for success in life. But when you are so attached to a specific outcome at a specific time, it is almost bound to deplete you in the end, even if it feels really, really good during the process. The Buddhist practice of non-attachment, with the notion that it is attachment which creates our sorrow, not the situations themselves, makes me always think, “the higher you go, the harder you fall.”

We also need to look at what we can learn about ourselves in these drama-filled situations, which is not what we usually do (“it’s all that muthaf’ers fault”). The people that come into our lives are mirrors for us, for our our insecurities, our self-esteem, our triggers and egos. These are parts of ourselves that continuously need composting throughout our lives so that our souls can continue to evolve. Otherwise, we’re just stuck, and what the hell would be the point of living?

I can see what I consider a deeper sense of happiness – contentment - in my life by disengaging from drama when I feel I can (yep, meditation is about the only thing that works for me). There’s also the act of channeling drama into something creative and worthwhile. Channeling or disengaging is not all the time, mind you, and I think I would shrivel up and die if I didn’t at least have just a little. That’s the friggin’ spice of life, right? But as with anything, drama needs to be balanced with, you guessed it, calm, if we even moderately hope to take care of our health and well-being.

And dating a baby’s-mama-druggin-money-grubbin’-player is NOT the way to well-being, in case you were wondering.

Melbourne, contemplating my gratitude for paper

I woke up this morning feeling a bit bleech (and no, not from drinking too much last night). It was more of the world’s-caving-in variety. Eyebrows covered in sweat about finances, trying to determine exactly how I’m gonna pay some bills; the amount of work I need to get done in the next 10 days in order to pay a fraction of those bills; feeling the need to be out and social as a way of dealing with break-up, and yet that cuts into work-to-pay-bills time. Ugh.

So I decided it was time to try and turn around that ugly, downtrodden point-of-view real darn quick by completing a very simple task: writing down a list of simple things I’m grateful for. Gratitude lists are powerful stuff, and are probably the quickest way to get a perspective change. They don’t make everything a-ok!, but they do provide a dose of all the good stuff in your life that you can’t seem to see over the large piles of shit currently in front of you. Although mine didn’t quite get to where the money is going to come from, it certainly made this day a bit easier to face.

Here’s my list:

• My cat Greysey climbing across my chest and leaning his head on my shoulder
• That in my sometimes cold-even-in-the-summer apartment, I can turn the heat on (so many people in the world never have heat)
• My body is healthy, and can handle so much
• I can experience love, and heartbreak
• I can give love
• I am a powerful woman
• I have shelter, and won’t find myself on the street anytime soon
• I am strong
• Friends reach out to me in my time of need
• I have the ability to help others
• Anything is possible

Feel free to add one, two, or ten things you are grateful for in the comments below.

Photo: Jason Clapp

I’m not sure I’m the most qualified person in the world to write this, considering I’m not sure that I have any answers. But I have ideas. And they are seriously different than the more accepted approaches out there.

Yep, I’m currently going through a break-up. The details are really not worth going into, other than to say beauty showed up for the two of us on a late September evening, and the twist into summer held changes we knew would arrive sooner rather than later. But there is no you-did-me-wrong, no blame for a loss of feelings. It is rather circumstantial that we have come to this place, and yet those circumstances make our reality. It is time.

Letting go of another person is never easy, even if one person has acted horribly to the other, or fiery love has fallen well below a simmer. Yet, I think we have an opportunity to make the transition out of a relationship with some semblance of the love we had in it.

I’m actually writing this in a moment of feeling hurt, slightly angry, and a bit like lashing out. I know this is a slippery slope, one I’m not inclined to go down, and yet one I can’t necessarily fight. But what I can choose to do is think about myself in the long-run: how will that hurt, anger, and lashing out affect me over time? Thinking about that makes me want to choose a different path.

A friend and I had a long email exchange last week about the ending of her good friend’s marriage, and how upset she was about the negative possibilities that were bound to arise – a refusal by one of them to accept the end, an ugly fight for the kid, a sickness that will be with the child for life, and therefore is bound to keep the ex-couple tied even deeper than usual. We lamented that society does nothing to set-up positive transitions out of relationships; that, in truth, it feeds the negative, with divorce lawyers giving advice to take the kids and/or money and run, and media/bosses/self-help books demanding you buck up, get over it quick, and throw yourself into work.

From this ‘reality’, I think it’s time to evolve and establish a different one. I want to look at the positive possibilities, ones that make me feel stronger, not weaker or broken. I would never imply these ideas will make things easier, but they might keep your heart from shutting.

1. Surrender.

Yeah, I’m not a “God” person – too much baggage from being raised Catholic. And usually, when you hear about “surrendering”, it has a religious connotation.

Photo: Reinis Traidas

But I am a “Universe” person. From that place, I believe there is a path each of us is on to make ourselves stronger, deeper, better people, and that there is a purpose to this life. I’ve not always believed this fully, and let me tell you what a difference it makes to flex this belief-muscle in a time of true hardship.

Always spending quality time in my mind, I can go back and forth like a mofo on what the “right” decision is for me. Yet it is only when I work on surrendering (not an easy thing to do, I know) to the will of the universe, and trusting that this ‘will’ will provide the best outcome for me, that I can breathe deep and release my anxieties about the situation. And those anxieties aren’t just the ones about him, but the ones for myself – the “where do I go from here?” and “what does this say about me?” and my favorite, “why am I all alone?” ones.

I can even tap into moments of excitement for what the future holds. When I lacked faith in the universe, endings only brought pain.

My current mantra: “I will the will of the Universe.”

2. Get in touch with your higher self.

Most of the anger and hurt I’m feeling right now is based on feeling he no longer wants me. Although I know this “truth” isn’t really true, and that I believe as much as he does that it is time to move on, my old stories of not being enough are rising like a tidal wave to the surface. Of course, I also perpetuate this notion by believing in it.

It’s not that I shouldn’t be having these feelings, but rather to sit back and see them for what they are – distractions, ways of holding onto the situation, and when it comes down to it, issues I have with myself. So to connect to my soul, I can breathe a sigh of relief: I’m ok, he’s ok, and ending doesn’t mean I am not loved or that I can’t continue to give love, albeit in a different form.

3. Ritualize the closing of the relationship.

Photo: Trilok Rangan

We put so much time and effort into starting a relationship and being in a relationship, and then we try and cut out of one as soon as it ends, or drag out the remnants in some f-d up homage to the American dream of hard work will get you everywhere. What about noting the end (and I realize that not all people reach the “end” at the same time, but if we are more truthful with ourselves, I bet this would happen more often) and working with it?

He and I have a plan for a “closure” weekend. Although there is bound to be some pain involved, I’m really looking forward to the first time I’ve ever had real closure in a relationship. It’s something I’ve dreamed about doing years later with ex’s that I still carried a torch for. There is true power in releasing the energy of your bond and not looking back with regret.

Couple of ideas that he and I have talked about, but it’s just as valid to create your own:

• Gather loving emails (for us, we often made lists of our favorite memories from time spent together), read them, and then burn them
• “Letting-go” spells
• A long hike where all those remaining issues are discussed as lovingly as possible, leaving them to the mountains (or ocean, or park)
• Asking specific ancestors/spirits for guidance and help
• Reading lists of what each of person cherishes about the other, and what each of you hopes for the other’s future

4. Consult runes, tarot cards, ancestors, or other divine energy.

I’ve been using my runesjust about every day since he and I decided to take a break to reassess our relationship. For me, they are literally the pathway to my intuition and knowing. They don’t always give me the answers I want to hear – for example, last week they were clearly saying it was time to let go of this relationship. Even though part of me fought that truth, working with them daily chipped away at my resistance and got me into that surrender place.

I know I’m not the only one who flips back and forth on what I want – I’m watching a close friend go through a similar process in determining whether or not she should end her relationship. Our minds are wonderful things AND they can cause us a hell of a lot of pain. Getting guidance from an “outside” source, one that is not actually outside of you, but simply deep within you, beneath the ego and the personality and even this human body, will eventually calm that mind into some form of contentedness and submission. Even if it never gets 100% on board.

I also followed a meditation last week about calling energy back to myself. After I finished, it was the first moment I realized I was ready to start letting go of him.

5. Write about it.

Man, I used to hate when people would tell me to do this. And I’m a writer, for chrissakes. I never wanted to go through the emotional rollercoaster that I felt writing about my anguish around a break-up would entail. Instead, I apparently was fine with that rollercoaster taking me for a never-ending ride in my head.

Writing this has taken me through some of those emotions I had yet to touch because I wasn’t sure I had the strength to touch them. For you, writing about it might mean some relief for your heart, because the painful energy has a chance to pass from internal to external.

6. Cry whenever you need to.

He and I just finished an email exchange that cemented the end: our plans for the closure weekend. Although my heart had already in a way accepted this ending, as I sat at the front of a cafe finishing my tea, tears still slid down my cheek. Not so much tears of wanting it to continue, but just from the loss.

Photo: Tiagø Ribeiro

Breaking up is like a death – your relationship will never be the same again, even if you can muster the ability to remain friends. There’s no more calls when you scored an interview with that author he loves, or little texts just saying, “I’m thinking of you.” You have to let go of those plans to check out that hostel together where you sleep in a treehouse and pick blueberries, and there are no more “I love you”s. The body also has to let go of the physical closeness that created its own energetic draw. It’s painful.

That’s why it’s worth crying whenever the mood strikes. Yes, I’m in public, sitting underneath a tree on a little strip of grass in a bank parking lot, sobbing. But I know that this sobbing is allowing all that energy – the energy of “us” – to move through me, out into the air and earth.

7. Seek support from others.

This one is a given, and yet it comes with some responsibility. The wonderful thing about close friends is that they are there during the hard times to lend an ear, some advice, or to just hold you while you cry. But, I know it can be easy for me to fall into a cycle of replaying the same stuff over and over again, which really does stifle movement to the next phase.

That’s why it’s just as important to spend some time alone. Each of us has to figure out that balance.

Do you have a step to add to how to consciously shift out of a relationship? I’d love to hear it.

Would You? / Photo: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Sex is a tough subject. Even though the ‘internet generation,’ of which I am born, has access to more information and is exposed to greater representation of sexual diversity, we’re still struggling to determine what is sexually appropriate and acceptable.

Most of us prefer to believe that we are sexually savvy, that we have some skills as a lover, and are more open to sexual dialogues and practices than our parents. We are the generation of Wikipedia and XTube – information and representation is readily available.

Yet how do ‘sex’ and ‘living holistically’ relate?

As I began to explore this question, a greater dilemma arose – what the frick does it actually mean to be living holistically? It seems like so much pressure! (tosses head back and sighs in exasperation). As defined by this blog, “Living Holistically means incorporating all aspects of ourselves – the mind, body, spirit, community and environment.” Okay, fair enough. However, the word ‘sexuality’ is absent from this definition. Where does sex fit in?

The more I began to ponder this proposition, the more I realized that, in fact, I really have no idea what it means to be living a sexually holistic life. Does it simply mean we’re diddling the skittle and buffing the rifle with sufficient frequency? Or that, post-coitus, we’re turning to wheatgrass shots instead of cigarettes?

Or perhaps, in stating that we are living sexually holistic lives, it gives legitimate excuse to practice yoga for the sole purpose of getting ourselves into all sorts of flexibility-required, crazy sexual positions? Okay, maybe I’m stretching things here. Pun intended.

Research Time

I clearly needed to do a little research on this matter, so like any half-assed blogger, I turned to Google to help me define a ‘sexually holistic’ lifestyle.

Photo: Assassin de la police

In my search, I stumbled across phrases such as “Dating Adult Alternative Lifestyle” and “Utilizing the holistic lifestyle for weight management” and even “Polyamory Society.” Ultimately these results fell short of what I was ideally searching.

It seems like there is insufficient discourse on the subject of holistic sexuality. I suppose we are charting new territory here.

So, for the sake of this exploration, I’ve come up with a working definition of ‘sexually holistic’ – living a sexually holistic life means incorporating all aspects of our sexual identity, such as belief, desire and fantasy, into practice. So if we are to label ourselves as ‘sexually holistic’ beings, we need to be aligning our sexual practices with our sexual values.

These days it is increasingly a social norm to value sexual diversity, and by “sexual diversity” I mean “not hatin’ on homos.” Despite levels of problematic tokenism, it is trendy to have a gay friend. Gays have never been more ‘in’ – but in valuing sexual diversity, how many of us are willing to take the next step towards practicing our values?

In other words, is a same-sex encounter important in living holistically?

The Raw Data

Before I get a wheelbarrow full of tweets accusing me of being ‘hetero-normative,’ I do realize the heavy hetero slant of this question.

Photo: tntblonde

But I pose it as such because most of us have been raised in a world that has an imposed standard of heterosexuality. I would argue that, as a generalization, queers have already posed the inverse question – “Should I be having hetero sex?” I’m simply flipping the equation.

To get some perspective on the question of “Is a same-sex encounter important in living holistically?” I posed it to a couple of my most sex-educated friends.

“Often straight people get all excited about how enlightened and progressive they are because they made out with a person of the same sex once, but all that means is a lot of self-congratulation without requiring them to let go of straight privilege or challenging their heteronormativity. It’s a very non-threatening way of dealing with same-sex sex because it both titillates and allows people to keep on being just as straight-minded as they ever were, regardless of who they just boinked. Sort of like saying, ‘Look how healthy I am, I just ate some tofu!’ before going back to McDonald’s and Twinkies. Meh. Not so holistic in my books.” – Andrea Zanin (BA Sexuality Studies, MA Women’s Studies)

“I personally believe that same sex encounters are ‘important’ for individuals period. Pleasure is a fundamental right we have and if we are so inclined to want to experience a same sex encounter for curiosity, pleasure, risqué behavior or just because we want to fuck someone that have the same naughty bits as we do, then so be it!” – Mylene St. Pierre (BA Sexology, MA Toxicomanie)

And then I threw the question out to the twitterverse. Here are some of my favorite responses:

“I’d never want that question turned around backwards on me, so I’m obligated to answer ‘no.’” – @dp4

“Alternatively, would an opposite-sex experience be an important part of living a holistic life?” @jackiehallet

“No, same-sex experience isn’t important for a holistic life. If it were true, then the reverse would be true. EW! Icky!” @Tyffanie

The overwhelming reaction to the question has been negative. And to be honest, my personal answer to this question is a fairly solid “No.” As a blanket policy, we do not need to have a same-sex experience (for heteros) nor a heterosexual experience (for queers) to be living a sexually holistic lifestyle. It all depends on what we individually value.

Photo: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Perhaps the more valuable nugget of exploration simply revolves around ‘openness’ to various experiences. What is holding us back from sexual experiences that peak our curiosities? How could we make our fantasies more achievable?

And ultimately, how can we continue to demystify and celebrate sexual diversity – hetero, homo and everything in between? Living a sexually holistic lifestyle will imply an evolving dance with boundaries and questions, with values and practices.

And as I continue to test my own personal boundaries, I’ve realized two things. Firstly, for the sake of experimentation, it might just be time for this homo to jump into the heterosexual end of the pool. And secondly, no matter whom I partner up with, you’ll still find me in my local yoga class, maintaining my flexibility.

For the sexually holistic benefits.

Photo: h.koppdelaney

As I look down at my stomach, trying to determine how much ‘irreparable’ damage I’ve done, I think, “Well, at least it’s been a while.”

Quickly, though, I go into the story around “what I did to myself”. What did I do? I ate a pint of Ben&Jerry’s. Now, I know to some people, that would not necessitate the binge label, and in the past, I’ve consumed more. I get that saying it was a binge might actually piss someone off who binges in a larger way.

But ultimately, I uncontrollably ate a lot of a particular food that doesn’t feel good to my body. That ’something else’ took over, and as I drove away from dinner with a friend, I zeroed in on going to the grocery store and buying something bad. I waved as that friend pulled his car up beside me, him heading straight through the stoplight and me in the turning lane to the supermarket, blinking light in the direction of some self-destruction. I hoped he couldn’t see behind the fake smile plastered on my face.

From a physical standpoint (and of course, a health one), the outcome the next day ain’t pretty. I rarely consume dairy, which I am allergic to and inflames my body, so now I feel the tickle in my throat and experience the “ahem”s every few minutes because of the mucus I’ve got going on. My head also doesn’t want to seem to clear, but instead rests in a fog of sugar, milk, and self-pity.

Psychologically, I actually feel a hell of a lot better than I did yesterday, or the day before. And so here I am, holistic health educator extraordinaire (ahem), advocating that a binge can make you feel better.

Being Human

Yes, this diverges a bit from what you hear from most alternative health practitioners. Sugar, BAD. Alcohol, REALLY BAD. Eating away your feelings – YOU ARE A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING.

Photo: h.koppdelaney

Ok, they probably wouldn’t say that last one (out loud). But all I’ve ever seen in traditional health education (which, unfortunately, many alternative practitioners still fall into when it comes to their very black and white approaches) is how to use “healthy” techniques to deal with stress and/or pain. “Meditate when you feel out of control” – sure, that’ll make it all better. “Do some yoga or other stretches” to release that tension. Maybe have “one small square of dark chocolate” to deal with those cravings to shove your feelings down. Good luck with that.

Now, now, I’m not saying that any of these healthier ways of handling emotions are bad. In fact, I employed all of them over a two-day period (alright, I used organic dark chocolate syrup on coconut milk yogurt instead of just a piece of chocolate, friggin’ sue me). I meditated several times, and it helped. Some. Also jumped back on that yoga horse I seemed to have fallen off of several weeks ago. Fantastic. Still dealt with my lowest low last night, and so I decided wine and ice cream were in order.

I remember a time when I would feel so much guilt about dealing with my emotions through alcohol and sugar. And I’m certainly not recommending that this is a stellar approach. But you know what? Even when I knew how “bad” I was being when I’d go to the store and buy a box of gluten-free chocolate chip cookies and a pint of soy ice cream that I was pretty much gonna finish off, and felt so guilty about it from the moment my mind decided it was going to happen (usually hours beforehand), I STILL did it. Knowledge and guilt never stopped me. In fact, that guilt often set me off on several nights of binging, as I promised myself the next morning I wouldn’t do it again (sound familiar?) and would cleanse that day, only to repeat the cycle that evening or the next.

Darkness and Light

Nowadays, binges come few and far between. And yes, a lot of that has to do with a consistent meditation practice, getting enough movement in my life, and eating foods that keep my brain chemistry in check. My general outlook on life has improved tremendously over the last several years, mostly do to all the personal work I’ve done, including all those “healthy” techniques. Yes, I recommend these techniques become a part of everyone’s life to improve their health and well-being.

Photo: jtravism

And, I will always have some darkness inside of me. It’s just part of who I am. Though I can agree with those who talk about shifting pain and anger into something creative and useful, I also know that I and you and whoever else reads this are only human.

Sometimes, I have to let that darkness come up and overtake me, cause guess what? It’s going to whether I like it or not. Fighting your shadow only aggravates the hell out of it. And on occasion, falling into the darkness includes using some self-care techniques that aren’t sanctioned by the FDA and Dr. Oz.

If I fell into a longer period of binging and not being able to come out of that darkness, then I certainly would seek help. Feeling it and falling into it is without a doubt a fine line. But I trust myself to properly assess that line, and I think the same is true for most people.

The real message I’m trying to get across here is that sometimes, it is the guilt of falling prey to our demons that keeps us in a cycle, rather than just allowing the process to happen and ride it out. I know this is not a simple answer for those who struggle deeply with hard-core addictions. Yet, somehow, pulling up a chair and kicking it with the demons often lessens their hold on us. We each have to figure out for ourselves how long we can hang with the demons if it seems like their hold is strengthening instead.

For the moment, I’ve put mine to bed.

Photo: Zawezome

At this point, it’s no secret that I’ve lacked the tendency toward one-night stands and such. Even had a downright aversion to them. But I’m not sure I’ve actually explained why before, or I’ve only vaguely insinuated the reason. And I think in a way, that’s been on purpose.

Sex has always meant more to me than maybe the average person. Ok, mass over-generalization there, but culturally, a fair assessment, I believe: people tend to jump in the sack pretty darn easily, whether fueled by alcohol/drugs, an addiction, or just simple horniness. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not really been a part of my makeup.

I spent years feeling weird about it – why couldn’t I just get it on for the fun of it? In college, I had a lot of fear around sex, what with a solid number of my female friends being forcibly “nudged” into the act while they were wasted and/or passed out. It was easier to just hook up with my ex-boyfriend, who I knew was a safe option, yet the act of which kept me from moving on, getting a feel for new territory.

Later, in my 20s, as my body was slowly falling apart, my sex drive went along with it. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t have any, and there were short-term relationships and a few hook-ups here and there. But even then, my hook-ups didn’t go “all the way.” I just wasn’t interested in someone who wasn’t really interested in me being inside of me, what can I say?

As the years went by, and my health improved, I felt drawn toward experimentation, as I do in general in my life. I also had this general sense of missing something/letting my life pass me by. So I attempted a few liaisons that well, fell flat. When it came down to it, I just wasn’t really down with it. This was getting to be downright shitty, stuck between a cock and a hard place (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Finally, sometime after the date with the yoga teacher that I’d been so damn attracted to until he opened his mouth, making me want to scratch my eyes out, but before the man that I fell head-over-heels for who didn’t want to have sex with me (WTF?), I started to get it.

Sex always, ALWAYS, means something.

No Need to be a Prude

This realization doesn’t equal me spouting some nonsense like people should wait until marriage, or that to have a one night stand is immoral. Nope, not even close.

Oh, those wild and crazy Egyptians
Photo: sinabeet

But I think sex often gets relegated to either side of the spectrum – on the one hand it is this dirty, taboo, lustful thing that everyone’s doing, but gotta hide from other people’s knowledge (as in, pretend you aren’t participating in freaky-deaky acts of perversion). On the other, it is meant only for two married heterosexual people who are somewhat allowed to enjoy it, but all-in-all, it is meant for procreation purposes.

I understand there is a more accepted “middle-ground” in most of western society today where sex is meant to be enjoyed between two committed partners, whether married or not. Even to a certain extent, a good chunk of people are ok with the sexual trysts of the single world (thanks, Sex and the City).

Still, sex tends to be an all-or-nothing option: it is only meaningful and fulfilling when it happens in the context of love, and it’s only fucking when it happens between two people not in a relationship. And don’t even try to bring up gay, transgendered, multiple partners, open relationships, fat, elderly, or teenage sex in most circles.

My question is: what if we stepped into sex, whatever form we are participating in it, with a feeling of honor and sacredness?

Of course, not all sex can possibly fall under the category of “sacred” – rape, child predators, essentially places where sex is forced on an unwilling participant. But I wonder if we brought back an idea of consciousness into the equation – instead of the the point just being to get your rocks off – whether at least some people who commit these heinous acts (which we often forget – or don’t like to look at – were committed against them, and help was not available to break that cycle) would refrain?

No, it’s not just that simple, but it might just be a piece of the puzzle.

Like many things in life, we often like to dismiss sex as this purely physical act that our hormones and biology demand that we participate in. Yes, this is probably at the core of our drive, and yet I believe it is one of several wide-reaching roots. If you believe that recycling in the United States can impact the rising temperatures in the Arctic, and if you believe that the food you decide to eat not only can make you gain or lose weight, that it also makes your brain work differently, then why in the world would sex not effect the mind, body, and spirit?

Living With a One-Track Mind

I happened across a blog the other day I’d never heard of, yet I guess became wildly popular in Britain beginning in ‘04. It’s called, Girl with a one-track mind, and follows the sexual escapades (that really is a horrible word, and not her description) of one woman, originally from an undercover pseudonym (she has since been outed as Zoe Margolis). I starting clicking through her blog archives and came across this paragraph from her Instinct post:

Sometimes sex is just about your body connecting with someone else’s and you being unable to resist the combined attraction. Perhaps this is explained away by genetics or biology; I’m more inclined to put it down to instinct: sometimes you just want to fuck someone, and by god, if you do, you sure as hell are going to enjoy it.

Yes, sometimes sex is just about attraction. But it is never just about the physical. It will have an emotional impact (man or woman, short or long-term), it will have a mental impact, and it will have a spiritual impact. Living in the present, and honoring those that mill around us on this Earth means understanding that you can’t split off the body and it’s crazy hormones, storing them in a box next to your Penthouses or vibrators. Yes, that might be easier if it was even remotely possible, but we are whole beings. No lopping off of any part of us.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see this as a bad thing. A pretty big point of this life is to get to know who the hell we are, and so consciously stepping into any sexual relationship can really only help that to happen. And hey, it might actually make you freer to feel pleasure…especially in the long run.

Photo: DeusXFlorida

Listen Closely. I want to let you in on a big and very well kept health secret. Ready? Here it is. The active and deliberate pursuit of pleasure – and the ability to receive it – are essential ingredients in creating and maintaining optimal health. Please read that again. And take a moment to remember the last time you really soaked in something pleasurable.

I know, I know. You think you’re too busy to experience pleasure. Or maybe the thought of pursuing pleasure as an important goal makes you feel guilty (the term guilty pleasure comes to mind immediately, right?). Here’s the deal: most of us were brought up to believe the “no pain, no gain” theory of health. Me, too. It’s ingrained in our culture.

Last year I went to a Blue Angels air show at the Brunswick Naval Air Station. A Marine walked by me with the following message emblazoned on his T-shirt: “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” The subtext of this sentiment is that anything pleasurable is suspect and probably won’t get you anywhere. The “no pain, no gain” approach has its place.

We are all capable of far more than we think we are. And there’s nothing like a crisis to bring out the best in human nature. We all remember the teacher who refused to accept less than our best and therefore helped bring it out of us.

But there has to be a balance. Too much “no pain, no gain” without the much-needed presence of pleasure is a setup for disease and addiction – pure and simple. Here’s why: we are pleasure-seeking creatures by Divine design. Just watch a bunch of little kids playing and you’ll see the truth of this. Our organs work better when we’re happily pursuing pleasurable activities – or thinking pleasurable thoughts.

The Purpose of Pleasure

Pleasure is not only associated with better blood flow throughout the body, it’s also associated with higher levels of the neurotransmitter beta-endorphin – a naturally occurring morphine-like substance that dulls pain and induces a feeling of euphoria. Prolactin is another neurotransmitter that is also associated with pleasure. Like beta-endorphin, this natural substance is enhanced during pleasurable social interactions, while breastfeeding, and also during lovemaking.

Photo: juliejordanscott

When we follow a stressful lifestyle that’s devoid of regular pleasure, blood flow gets restricted throughout the brain and body – and our beta-endorphin and other neurotransmitter levels plummet. We’re left feeling depressed, sad, angry, or irritable as a result. So what do we do to get those levels back up fast? We reach for the quick fix of sugar, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, or drugs (and we justify this behavior by telling ourselves we “deserve” that hot fudge sundae because we’ve worked so hard).

Imbibing the sugar, or alcohol, or nicotine does make us feel better for a short time by balancing our brain chemistry. The problem is that over time, the body requires more and more of these substances to give us the same “high.” And that’s how addiction and disease begins.

The bottom line is this: You cannot create the healthy sustainable beta-endorphin and blood flow levels that are associated with optimal health solely by taking mood-altering substances. The only way to achieve a feeling of optimal well-being within your body is by including regular doses of pleasure in your day-to-day life!

Here’s my step-by-step program to enhance your health through pleasure:

Step One: Make a commitment to your pleasure.

Understand that all sustainable pleasure requires discipline, courage, and practice. Why? Because we live in a pleasure-starved culture that worships pain and suffering. Some people even believe that suffering is holy. And nearly every one of us has been led to believe that suffering and martyrdom actually buys us something – that somehow it makes us better people.

No one leaves our planet without some pain and suffering. That’s for sure. But making pain and suffering a way of life – and being proud of it – does nothing but cause more pain and suffering. This has been called indulging in “negative pleasure.” Here’s an example: Have you ever worked in a job where everyone brags about how much work they have to do or how busy they are? Have you ever found yourself trying to “up” the ante of suffering by saying something like “You think you’ve got it bad? Listen to what happened to me. Last week my car broke down, I had to walk to work, and I still put in 12 hours?”

Follow your bliss
Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

If you want more happiness and enjoyment in your life, you have to catch yourself indulging in “negative pleasure” and stop.

Step Two: Name your bliss and follow it.

To know sustainable pleasure, you must know what you desire – what lights you up! And you must also learn to trust those desires. I believe that our souls speak to us through our desires, and that we discover our unique gifts and talents only by allowing ourselves to follow our bliss.

After all, desire is what created our bodies in the first place. We were conceived with an orgasm – the entire universe started with a big bang.

Articulating your specific desires and then manifesting them uplifts the entire planet. Get as specific as possible. Make a list. Do you like sexy, red underwear? Then go get some. And wear it regularly. Do you like to begin your morning quietly with a cup of coffee and a little inspirational reading? Then get up five minutes earlier to indulge in this pleasure. Do you love massage? Make sure you get a massage at least once a month. And if you can’t afford it, exchange a back rub or foot rub with your spouse or a good friend on a regular basis. To add more pleasure to your life, write down a list of your desires. Have fun thinking about everything you like.

In his wonderful book The Power of Pleasure,Dr. Douglas Weiss points out that everyone has a unique pleasure blueprint – a specific way in which they experience pleasure.

Photo: spaceamoeba

For some, pleasure comes through thrill seeking. They adore fast cars and extreme sports. Life just isn’t fun without indulging this pleasure zone regularly. For others, gardening and digging in dirt is a primary pleasure zone. Others experience pleasure through service.

One of my primary pleasure zones is taking a hot bath each evening. Whenever I travel, I insist on staying in a place that has a tub. I also love going to movies in theaters where I can get lost in the experience (and I’m not distracted by the phone or the lure of “multi-tasking,” which happens when I watch movies at home).

Step Three: Schedule pleasure into your life with the same regularity as you would brushing your teeth.

Married couples who hire a babysitter and have regular “dates” each week, for example, find far more joy and pleasure in their relationship than couples who don’t take the time to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company.

Step Four: Pleasure begins with your thoughts. Pay attention to them.

Change the ones that aren’t pleasurable the minute you notice them (remember, this is a discipline that takes practice). Here’s why this is so important. Thought plus emotion equals belief. Your beliefs are what create your reality and your state of health. Beliefs, which are felt primarily in the heart, transmute the invisible realm of spirit into the particles that make up matter.

Every thought you think creates a specific biochemical reaction in your body and also attracts specific events into your life. And guess what? When human DNA (that’s been isolated) is in the presence of positive emotions it begins to relax and unwind. Then it begins to create another molecule that is, itself, conceived in pleasure, appreciation, and love.

Try out this thought: “I am a highly desirable, sexy woman.”

How does that thought feel in your body? Good, right?

Now contrast how that feels with this thought: “I am a middle-aged woman whose best years are behind her. It’s too late for me to feel sexy or happy.”

Which thought is associated with better blood flow and more “feel good” chemicals? I’m sure you know it’s the first.

Your power to live a pleasurable, prosperous life lies in your willingness to focus your attention on thoughts, people, places, and events that are joyful, fun, sexy, and uplifting.

Step Five: Expect resistance.

The minute you decide to bring more pleasure and joy into your life, resistance will show up. Expect this. It’s a good sign!

When grief or sadness shows up, feel them for a bit and then do something pleasurable. Call a friend, watch a good movie, or get out and take a walk. You want to do something to move energy, something that feels better.

To create more pleasure in your life, you actually have to feel pleasure of some kind. Stop right now. Caress your hand with your other hand in a way that feels pleasurable. There. You’ve done it. You’ve created pleasure. Now do your feet. If you want to take it higher, put on some great music and dance around the room. That automatically increases pleasure – and also helps prevent cardiovascular disease and can burn fat!

Grieve your losses and let go regularly. You have to feel it to heal it. Every loss that isn’t grieved fully stays with us. Time doesn’t heal these losses. They wait for us to feel them and release them. We don’t get over them until we really grieve.

Anger is often a cover-up for loss and grief. It’s easier to be angry with someone or at someone than to feel sadness.

When we really grieve, forgive, and let go, we begin to recover who we really are. And then the miracle happens: more light comes into our lives than we could ever have imagined before. And we’re able to feel even more pleasure.

Step Six: Spread pleasure around and you’ll receive even more.

One of the most meaningful and Divinely pleasurable things I’ve done in the past year is both teach at and participate in Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York City. My daughters have joined me in this transformational work, which my sister-in-law calls “personal growth on steroids for women.”

Photo: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Mama Gena (aka Regena Thomashauer) has created a curriculum that teaches women how to use pleasure to transform the world. We all know the old adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Well, the opposite is also true. When women are happy, everyone is uplifted and happy!

One of the core concepts of the School of Womanly Arts is the amazing power of women to uplift and approve of each other (you won’t find any backbiting or jealous put-downs there). As a result of my experiences at Mama Gena’s, I now realize the incredible value of openly appreciating another woman (or man).

So when I see something about a woman (or man) that is pleasing to me – I tell them! If I see a woman waiting in line or walking down the street and her dress or her hair or her jewelry is pleasing to me, I let her know. I make every effort to reward beauty and pleasure wherever I see it, because I know what I pay attention to expands. The same goes for men and children. The more pleasure you spread around, the more you feel yourself.

Final Thoughts

Here’s my final advice on pleasure: You were issued one body when you were conceived. It’s your duty to attend to this particular portion of living matter in a way that uplifts, celebrates, and comforts it. But it’s not your job to figure out how to do this for anyone except yourself. What a relief! Now can’t you just feel your beta-endorphin levels rising – and your blood flow increasing just from that thought alone?

When you take care of yourself with pleasure, your influence creates a standing wave of joy and pleasure that goes out from you and affects all living things on this planet. The world is depending upon your happiness, your joy, your pleasure. You have nothing to lose by following your bliss except your suffering. And when your own suffering decreases, the suffering of the whole world lessens. You’ll probably lose a few extra pounds, too!

This information is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease. 
All material in this article is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise, or other health program.

© Christiane Northrup, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.