Listen Closely. I want to let you in on a big and very well kept health secret. Ready? Here it is. The active and deliberate pursuit of pleasure – and the ability to receive it – are essential ingredients in creating and maintaining optimal health. Please read that again. And take a moment to remember the last time you really soaked in something pleasurable. I know, I know. You think you’re too busy to experience pleasure. Or maybe the thought of pursuing pleasure as an important goal makes you feel guilty (the term guilty pleasure comes to mind immediately, right?). Here’s the deal: most of us were brought up to believe the “no pain, no gain” theory of health. Me, too. It’s ingrained in our culture.

Tubes. I will never get used to the tubes. Not in the beginning, not ever. Tubes into his nose, tubes into his mouth. Tubes taped to his arm, disappearing into his wrists. Tubes for food and nutrients, tubes for medicine and morphine, tubes for oxygen. Something beside his bed keeps going beep beep beep and fluid trickles from under his gown each time. Jesus. beep beep beep. And tubes that are shoved into his dick and go beep beep beep each time a little piss passes through. Do I really need that? Is that necessary? Who’s fucking idea was it to have the tube crammed into my dads urethra? beep. Not a situation I want sound effects for. The beep screams ”your dad is hooked up to a machine, a machine that pisses for him! Shall I remind you of that fact over and over?”

“Your dad might look a little scary.” Scary? What is this, Halloween? What Steve means is that they just cut a big nasty hole into his scalp, sawed open his skull and chopped up his brain like a slab of sirloin, and he’s gonna look the part. The part of a man taken apart and put back together. Humpty-fucking-Dumpty. I wonder if I will be able to tell now? Will I see the cancer under his skin or smell it rotting on his breath? “I just wanted to warn you. Try to act as happy and as normal as possible. It’s very important… and keep the visit short. He needs to rest. Two days ago the sun fell through the window like a promise of summer. Dad and I leaned against the kitchen table and joked and crunched tuna melts. That was happy. That was normal.